90% of my social interaction is just wondering what to do with my arms
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What are guys wearing their sunglasses on the back of their heads hiding from us?
You know what really gets my goat? Chupacabras.
Loads 5 frozen pizzas into the freezer.
Meal prep ✔️
Take your ex out tonight (one bullet oughtta do it)
Group therapist: What’s your biggest fear?
Wolfman: Silver bullets
Frankenstein: Fire
Dracula: Lasagna, spaghetti…you know, most Italian dishes.
7YO changed her favorite princess to Anna and now my four year investment in Elsa is worth diddly-squat
Banker: So, you’d like a loan, to start an all marsupial fighting championship?
Me: Yes. I call it Mortal Wombat.
Banker:
Me:
Banker: I’m in.
when they have a dream sequence in a movie, how do they film the person’s dream?
right before u die apple should send you a final screen time report like “you spent 38% of your life looking at your phone” and its the last thing u see before u close your eyes forever , and youre looking at the notification instead of your grandson
“I swear to God I will turn this car around”
I have a nice body. It’s out in the trunk.
Wanna up the awkward while standing in line? Turn around while you wait.
My cat just showed it’s holiday spirit by pooping tinsel.
I tell people I broke my neck playing sports but it was actually from flicking my ponytail to unleash ancient curses.
WHAT DO WE WANT!!!
A cure for hangovers
WHEN DO WE WANT IT!!!
Please stop yelling
If you’re wondering if toddlers are always listening, even though they’re never listening, 2B’s teacher stopped me today to let me know that instead of “thank you” she’s been saying “thanks, babe” for days.
If you tell someone “nice shirt” and they don’t look down at it you’re talking to a robot.
“Sorry, could I just squeeze by?”
<person doesn’t move an inch>
“Thanks”
My husband walked out the door, smiled & said, “Have a good day!” like he doesn’t even realize he’s leaving me home with his children.
Saw some turkeys and immediately thought of you.
All is fair in drunk and war.
One thing I’m really good at is turning $1500 into $4.72
My ideology is to stay away from people with ideology.
guys I’m going home
boys are so easy to impress
Every Coronavirus post on Facebook should just start with, “First off, I have no idea what i’m talking about.”
Trains delayed due to:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Sarcastic swan
I want to be cremated so that I will get a smoking hot body again
Trump worked his way up from nothing. He’s going to give every American the same 1 million dollars he started with. That’s all you need.