Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Wife rubbing her temples after I told her how my job interview went] What…what do you mean, you “tried some breakdancing”?

If you hate being single, imagine being with someone who sets 10 alarms to wake up each day and sleeps through every one of them.

I understand how batteries feel cause I’m rarely ever included in things either.

I’ve joined a 12 step program.

Six to the fridge. Six back to the couch.

Batman had the bat signal.

If you need to get my attention, hold a Roast Beef Sandwich over a floor lamp and aim it at my apartment.

[Barnes and Noble]
CASHIER: anything else?
ME: four barns and your finest noble please
CASHIER: get out

Cop: Know why I pulled you over?

Me: Yeah

Cop: Oh ok nevermind

ROBBER: is this all the cash?
CASHIER: yes but would you like to donate $1 to charity
ROBBER [tears welling up inside his ski mask]: ok

NASA: How’s it looking up there, guys?
ASTRONAUT: I’ve never seen anything so beautiful.
FROG: [lost in his spacesuit] I’m struggling tbh.

Me: Wow. She has a mesmerising walk.

Him: Hypnotist?

Me: Oh hip noticed alright.

Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I put chips and salsa out for family and friends and didn’t use a Thanksgiving dish.

I will be with you always and forever, even during the rough times, until the day we die.

-Herpes

Have some fun with your life: before practicing your Kegals in a supermarket line, insert a squeaky toy and watch for people’s reactions

My role in family now primarily consists of walking around the home shouting, “ONLY ONE PAPER TOWEL!” anytime anyone approaches the roll.

That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight, spreading goat cheese on a bagel

“WELL ACTUALLY”: a sequel to “LOVE ACTUALLY” about why it’s problematic

don’t talk to me until I’ve had 3 iced coffees & argued with a lady about terriers & threw an iced coffee in her face

Folks have it easy today. If they need to see how to spell a word, they can Google it.

I had to use a dictionary. And not knowing how to spell the word was no help. I spent an hour in the T’s trying to find “pterodactyl” with no success.

Unfortunately she wasn’t even looking when I was pulling off those sweet moves on the trampoline.

Unlike the brain, the stomach alerts you when it’s empty.

Be thankful for Twitter. The way gas prices are headed, we’re never going to meet real people ever again.

Some people wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look trendy. I wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look homeless.

It’s okay if you didn’t notice that I switched my beard trimmer’s setting from 6 to 5. The difference is stubble.

If his selfie doesn’t make you kegal, you’re just not that into him.

Props to just stopping in the middle of the grocery aisle. Personally never tried it, but it seems big.

Reporter: Is it true you delivered a pig with TWO heads?!

Farmer: Yes I did

Farmer’s second head: WE did

SON: Daddy, what’s the river that flows through New York

ME: It’s The Hudson

HIM: The Hud. Ok. Thank you.

WIFE: Oh ffs

Dr. says I have an enlarged heart thanks doc I already know I’m super nice just trying to figure out why I can’t breathe when I eat chips

Celebrities are like we’re just like you then they name their kids Fruitcake and Archipelago.

Saw (2004, Horror): An old man gives 2 people instructions on how to walk out of a bathroom. 102 minutes.