90% of my social interaction is just wondering what to do with my arms
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Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Can you hear my chips?
If you mean sleeping all day and only speaking to demand meals then yes, my teen has cat-like reflexes
Oh, you have ‘haterz.’
Congratulations. I have lovers. And the ability to spell.
Daughter: Brings home an A+ on her presentation…
Son: Brings home 3 different hoodies he’s left at school…
Husband: Oh wow! Big day for both of you, huh?!
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
Everyone on twitter: (already terrified all of the time)
Mashable: [promoted tweet] This cute new robot can shudder and squirm through the underside of a closed door and inject heart-stopping drugs from ten feet away! 😍
Me: If you love something you have to let it go.
Wife: Get your own bag of shredded cheese
Those gender reveal parties are getting crazier and crazier
Sucks when good bands have dumb names.
“What are you listening to?”
“It’s Made Out of Babies, they’re really great.”
“…”
Dudes wash, shampoo, condition & rinse in under three minutes while women take a shour.
My son only asks my opinion so he can do the opposite, apparently.
Aliens: WHY SHOULD HUMANITY BE SPARED?
Me: whoa ok, you guys have chosen the wrong dude to argue this case
“I found a stick… and it comes with a hat!” 😂💛
goldiesglobe
“Go on, fake throw the ball again, Phil. I dare you.”
Trying to convince my wife I said “adieu,” instead of “I do,” at our wedding, but she’s not buying it.
[at the mall]
LITTLE KID: i’m lost
ME: you’re at the mall
Guys if you are into a girl you have to be confident enough to look her right in the eye on her Facebook profile pic & press the Like button
Not to brag, but I have one of those metabolisms that I can eat anything I want and still get fat
Marvellous mathematical takedown of a Motivational Poster
Hotel reviews are pure chaos. You’ll read, “Breathtaking lobby. Extraordinary suites. My stay filled me with a deep & lasting sense of peace.” Then the next one’s like, “This dump is FILTHY! Elevator was SLOW! Ice machine TIPPED over & I’m STILL pinned BENEATH IT!!!”
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: I don’t. We’re awful. We should leave other people alone.
How school works:
In class: 2+2=4
Homework: 2+4+2=8
Exam: John had 4 apples.He eats one and gives one to a friend. Calculate the Sun’s mass.
There were a lot of tears when I dropped my kid back to school today. I think it’s really unprofessional when his teacher cries in front of us.
Wanna know my secret to rock hard abs? I ride the mechanical duck outside the grocery store 300 times a day.
“Oh. My. God.” – the first duck to eat bread.
A shark could swim faster than me, but I could probably run faster than a shark. So in a triathlon, it would all come down to who is the better cyclist.
Me: I want beer
Cashier: ok how much
Me:
Cashier:
Me: I want it so so much
Why learn a second language, when you don’t have anything interesting to say in your first one?
Scary: A wolf chasing you
Scarier: A werewolf chasing you
Scariest: A werewolf with a clipboard chasing you
GUYS GUYS GUYS, I just saw this dude wearing the stupidest . . . False alarm, just a mirror.