90% of my vocabulary is comprised of words I’m hoping you don’t realize I made up.
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i named my son “max” after hbo max, what am i gonna tell him in five years? it’s been hard enough already with his sister quibi
Me: Look, it’s malfunctioning. You’ll have to trust me on this.
Tech support: Ma’am, this is a kid.
Guys, please stop wearing Nasa shirts, I bet you can’t even name one of their songs
me: Do you think Muhammad Ali tried different animals? Like, “Float like a duck, sting like a jellyfish”?
wife: Go to sleep
I didn’t know imposter syndrome was contagious, but my boss also thinks I’m terrible at my job.
The only thing flat-earthers fear is sphere itself.
I’m going to be the most petty poltergeist ever. I’ll do things like unplug your phone charging overnight
I told my boyfriend I had a dream we broke up and I started dating a guy named Arthur and now he won’t stop calling himself “Daytime Arthur”
I just tried a keto friendly cereal. I think tomorrow I’ll just eat my cabinets.
“I’d have to say my two favorite things are sex, and not having my head bitten off.”
-soon to be disappointed praying mantis
“No mom, do not stuff shrimp in your purse for “later”
And other things I thought I’d never have to say to my 85 yr old mother at a buffet..
Me: “Go to bed, the cows are already asleep in the field.”
Son: “So what?”
Me: “It’s pasture bedtime.”
Told my kids I’m gonna be a toilet for Halloween cause of all the shit I take from them.
Nailed it!👇🏻🤣🤣😆
People on the Internet always trigger my restless-fists syndrome.
If you’re short on time in the morning, pouring a little gasoline in your toaster will make it cook faster.
“How about… we change the 6 to a 7?”
“I love it!”
–board meeting at the company that makes novelty sunglasses for New Year’s Eve
I have alopecia. I don’t wear a wig at work because it’s a very physical job. I was in the washroom and a customer with children were washing their hands. One child pointed at me and EXCLAIMED
“Mommy is that a boy or a girl?”
So I barked.
🤷🏼♀️
Some people throw pasta at the wall to see what sticks, while other people just learn how to cook pasta.
If you watch Titanic backwards, you are an idiot. That is not the way movies are meant to be watched.
I had to quit jogging because I kept dropping my hotdog.
Whoever created lasagna was totally a stoner
I want noodles
Okay
Now sauce
Cool
Now cheese
Got it
Now noodles
You said that
Now cheese
WTF!
Sally: I Love You Mommy!
Me: Melts into a puddle.
Sally(5 minutes later to her breakfast): I Love You Waffles.
Me: Oh. ☹️
When a pair of scissors hear you’re looking for them
Every earthquake is a reminder that you drunk-ate the good granola bars out of the earthquake kit eight years ago and never restocked them.
“My first wife didn’t have a gag reflex”
Wow that’s amazing
“Yeah she never laughed at any of my jokes”
video games are rated M for mature if they contain scenes of someone buying reading glasses or complaining about not getting enough fiber
A miracle birth, then resurrection. Accept Frosty the Snowman as your personal savior.