90% of my vocabulary is comprised of words I’m hoping you don’t realize I made up.
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I just got super defensive to my phone when i was cheating on the times crossword
I was like “hey! Maybe i just wanted to know who the protagonist of clan of the cave was for an entirely different reason!”
“This tofu tastes like chicken.”
No one believes you dude.
dentist: have you been flossing?
me: yes 🙂
dentist: your mouth?
me: no 🙁
My husband told me I’d better stock up on my wine in case we get quarantined. Maybe he really does still care about me.
My wife is going to the hair salon today so for the next few hours I will be practising my reaction.
HIM: Do you have raisins?
ME: I have grapes and patience.
After decorating the house, I spilled cheap vodka on some glitter and dirt I was sweeping up.
Now, my house looks like Ke$ha.
my family doesn’t play board games at Christmas anymore since that one year my sister ripped a Monopoly board in half and Risk caused a divorce
Anyone know any Sausage Biscuits looking for a job?
me: [sprinkling white ash on the ground in the shape of a pentagram]
build-a-bear employee: please don’t do that
Jesus: He who is without sin may cast the first stone
*guy with no legs throws rock*
Jesus: Seriously?
“You said ‘without shins,’ right?”
When I see a girl with a lot of makeup, I just wanna to use my finger & write `”WASH ME”` on her face.
I wish my refrigerator would quit opening my bedroom door, staring at me, sighing and walking away.
on my monopoly game the community chest cards say shit like: THE REALTOR SHOWING THE HOUSE ACROSS THE STREET GIVES YOU $50 TO CLOSE YOUR GARAGE DOOR
Recently, I’ve been politely refusing all invitations with, “I’d rather drink my own blood.”
Cleaned out my closet and found Narnia. I should check on these folks more often, their political and social infrastructure is in shambles
man: hey do you take walk-ins
cremator: excuse me what
Is Ham short for Hamuel or Hamantha?
Her: Make your own Pizza Rolls.
Me: It says: Not to operate heavy machinery while using this medication.
Her: It’s an oven not a forklift.
The book I checked out of the library is so stained and gross, it looks like someone used it recently to deliver a foal.
Me: Alexa, play “You should see me in a crown”
Alexa: I’d like to see you in some pants
Making a list of all the people who wrote “Happy Birthday” on my wall without an exclamation point so that I know who’s secretly mad at me.
To find out your dolphin name, lick your finger tips and rub a balloon.
“I’d like one personal pizza please”
Pizza: Your life’s a mess. You should lose 10 pounds. Call your mother.
“Whoa maybe not that personal”
how do people have 15 minute naps?? if i’m napping, i’ll sleep through an earthquake and the entire lord of the rings trilogy
Nephew: omg look at how thick your ipad is.
Me: That’s a book.
The forest creatures begin stampeding.
You turn to me, clearly scared.
“We have no reason to fear the animals,” I reassure you.
You smile nervously. “Thank go—”
“Worry about whatever’s spooking them.”
we have ways of making you talk mr bond
[introduces dave]
this is dave, he’s a vegan
“OK ENOUGH”
embracing tradition. boyfriend just went to dunkin (hunter) as i sit in bed finding funny tik-toks to show him later (gatherer)
wife:
Where are the powdered doughnuts?me:
