Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Father in law: How are you preparing for the future?

Me: I buy Monopoly games in case one day Monopoly money becomes legal tender.

Me: The kids haven’t eaten their sandwiches
Wife: ok just throw them out

[Later]
Me *helping the kids pack a suitcase* look I’m as surprised as you are

What idiot called it a pig thief and not a ham burglar?

me: [wheezing, checks fitbit]
fitbit: you’re lying on the floor eating a burrito, wtf do u want from me

Calm down people who start work immediately when they get into work. Just calm down.

According to the Internet:

Xbox One
– $500.
– Weaker hardware.
– Mandatory daily check-in.
– Requires Kinect.
– DRM.

PS4
– Cures cancer.

Some tattoo artists need to just say, “no, I’m not doing this shit.”

Wasn’t wearing my glasses at the park and bent down to pet some guy’s gym bag. How’s your night going?!

HIM: promise you won’t tell anyone?

ME: yeah! [under my breath] except my best friend

HIM: what?

ME: nothing! [whispering] there is a hierarchy of loyalty and your position on that hierarchy is low

HIM: what did you say?

ME: that ur secret’s safe with me 🙂

How does a pod of dolphins make a decision?

Flipper coin.

#DolphinDay

If people aren’t honking at you to go on the green light, you aren’t doing social media right.

TYRION: People love stories. And no one has a better story than Bran

ARYA, WHO LEARNED SHAPE-SHIFTING AND MURDERED THE INVINCIBLE ICE KING OF DEATH: Bran has what now

Terribly Tuesday.

6 YEAR OLD: how hard do you have to punch someone in the butt to make it fall off?

Hippos at the Cincinnati Zoo getting some pumpkin snacks.

[touching face upon receiving compliment]
Glad you like it. But, it’s not a teardrop tattoo. It’s an Oxford comma.

Being a parent:

Hell hath no fury like your kid catching you throwing away Anything, Ever. I smuggle out broken crayons like a Mexican druglord ….

Hahahahahahahaah.

me, to my wife: calm down and smile more

Stockbroker: *rubbing bridge of nose* that’s not what I meant by ‘take risks’

Found my cat reading To Kill A Mockingbird. I told him that it didn’t actually involve killing birds, but he said he liked courtroom dramas.

Work like you don’t need the money: Just stop and go home. Who cares? You don’t need that money

Am I the only one who gives people in my neighborhood names they don’t know they have? a.k.a. “Running Man”,”Mustang Bob”, “Blue truck dude”

I say make the bed the second you get out of it. My sister says let the sheets cool first. We each suspect the other of instability.

me: [leans in for kiss]
robber: quickly but then money

“Stop asking why he doesn’t have a phone. He just doesn’t.”
— Watching Home Alone with my kids

Say what you want about online meetings but there are few things more liberating than attending a disciplinary hearing naked from the waist down.

You know when you buy a bag of salad and it starts getting brown and has gross water in it…

Doughnuts never do that.

11 years ago when trying to bag my boyfriend I tried to eat a whopper in front of him in a hot way and I 100% pulled it off. In a way I am more proud of that than my records.

My neighbor has a huge warehouse/shop and is alway in there banging away on something or doing stuff but never really producing anything. I just know that one day Dateline is going to interview me and ask if I knew what was going on in there…

There’s no rule that says only fruit can be put in water infusers. But let me tell you, people get real weirded out when you put beef jerky and cheese in there.