90% of owning a dog is telling it to stop barking.
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I hope Justin Bieber’s on the next season of “16 and Pregnant”
My mom shared an old picture of my brother and I on FB today. Wanted to make sure Debbie knew what was up.
Her: What did you get for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Drunk!
do the spectators at golf tournaments know they don’t have to be there
Any big tech pitch these days: So you know how we all hate the things that make life worth living, right? Well,
Was gonna climb over some guy’s arm but then I noticed he had a barbed wire tattoo on it.
Therapist: let’s work on some realistic expectations
Me: *still straining to lift a tissue box using the Force*
A revolving door is an IQ test you can fail in public.
me: listen pal no one talks to me that way
guy with british accent:
Some people will always secretly hope that you fail. Not me. I’ll outwardly hope that shit.
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
Me: *slides note to bank teller*
Bank Teller: So….you’re not robbing us, you just want to take a selfie with “mad cash” on your face?
My longest relationship has been with my Hotmail account.
I keep having this dream about a guy I chopped up and put in my freezer. I always have to try and hide it when I get a new roommate. The roommate part is really starting to freak me out.
[Jeopardy]
Me: I’ll take common phrases for $200.
Alex Trebek: this comes before the fall.
Me: [buzz] what is summer.
Alex Trebek: sorry, the answer is pride.
Me: no Alex, I’m pretty sure it’s summer.
I put the “rad” into “gradual descent into madness”
Partner: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Oh why?
Partner: It’s the only speaking in single letters thing, it’s weird
Me: Oh. I see. OK
just poured dr pepper on my face like i didn’t know where my mouth was.
*breaks into a McDonald’s at 2:00 am*
*fixes the ice cream machine*
I still can’t find a place with an alligator infested moat for under $2k/month, but I’m hopeful.
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
Bob is my nickname. Robert is my nicholasname
RIDDLER: riddle me this
TODDLER: *does Todd stuff*
A large group of Canadian Geese is called a Nightmare.
SPLOOT
12 decided he’s into vinyl, so he got a record player for Christmas. His new name is DJ TURNITDOWN!
taking June’s advice to heart
coworker: [talking about having children]
me: aww man I can’t have children
coworker: why
me: because I hate them
As an economist, I know the best system is where precisely 12 people have all the money and let it sit idle in offshore accounts