90% of parenting a little girl is chasing her around the house with a hair brush and a ponytail holder.
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I was going to pay the taxi driver with my leftovers from lunch but that wouldn’t be fare to him
Me: *puts mistletoe over our heads* oooh you know what this means
Dementor: what the hell
“Dad, I’m I want you to move back home rent free”
hi I want you to move back home rent free. I’m dad
“Ok thanks dad”
well shit
Some people call me space cowboy. Some call me gangster of love.
This one guy calls me Maurice. He sucks at giving nicknames.
When the cops are at your door have on a cape, carry a wand, and tell them you’re a magician when they ask how your boyfriend disappeared.
a camel walks into a bar and the
bartender says, “hey you can’t bring your own drinks in here”
First woman that gave birth to twins was prolly like “????????”
I love giving a little kid the tongue, and then watching him run to his mother holding the severed tongue I just gave him.
No honey, I’m not going to “just lay around and watch football all day”. There’s basketball and golf on too.
This forest scent air freshener is really working. Three elk have moved into my living room.
As it turns out, ‘harder’ is a terrible safe word
I get more excited seeing my luggage on a baggage carousel than I do seeing a person I know.
ME: [with a child on a leash] this is my therapy child.
[at ER]
ME: my stomach hurts.
DOC: have you been able to eat anything today?
ME: yeah, like 75 pieces of pizza.
interviewer: why do you want to drive a bus
me: the big windshield wipers
“Oh my god, just put it in me, I can’t wait any more!”
– me to the doctor giving me the vaccine
What do electric cars and diarrhea have in common.
The fear of not making it home.
#RubbishJokes
#WednesdayThought
Shaking random people on the street shouting ARE YOU THE SHY SISTER is the 2024 cinderella
[ undercover stake out ]
me, adjusting fake mustache: all clear, how bout you
donut wrapped in lettuce: *vegetable noises*
bro, you’re fine. you just need an impossible sequence of events to play out in perfect order against all odds and you’ll be fine
‘I know a black person’
– White people
me *looking at burnt up nintendo cartridge*: what the hell happened?
roommate (a dragon): it was dirty…
Last Minute Gift Idea:
Chew with your mouth closed.
doctor: open up
me: it all started when my dad left
doctor: and say ahh
me: oh
doctor: no, “ahh”
I got hooked on Italian food in high school after my dealer sold me a bag of oregano.
Nice car! I’ll bet it goes fast!Aww — and you’re getting the door for me. What a gentleman! Sit in the back? Wow! My own chauffeur. I feel like a queen! Handcuffs? I’m not opposed — but seems a bit presumptuous for a first date.
Last time I’m saying it lady, you’re under arrest.
My girlfriend told me she needed a hip replacement. So I found a vegan yoga instructor that let’s me do whatever I want.
20’s: I am invincible!
40’s: I am very vincible
A good hack to make my house look clean and tidy in the evening is to turn all the lights off.