90% of parenting a little girl is chasing her around the house with a hair brush and a ponytail holder.
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[pretend restaurant]
4-year-old: what do you want ?
me: pizza
4: we don’t have pizza
me: what do you have?
4: nothing
me: I’ll have nothing
4: we don’t have that
me: *throws table* this is bullshit!
“So, is there a MRS. A-Z?” – Lady hitting on Jason Mraz
Oh you lost your glasses on your face? I lost my cell phone while on a call.
So in conclusion, the zoo would not adopt my children.
Just pointed out to my in-laws that their anniversary falls on hump day, so follow me for more tips on creating awkward family moments.
i like calling a man my “former lover” because then it sounds like it happened in france and not in the bonefish grill parking lot
Went out of town for the weekend and I’m so happy to be home so I can have insomnia in my own bed
A Roomba that moans when it picks up trash.
Writing “and eat it” at the bottom of my neighbors’ little “pick up your dog’s poop” yard sign
Skrillex! It’s your cousin Marvin. Marvin Skrillex! Know that sound you’ve been looking for? I think I found it! *holds phone up to blender*
help keep the English language alive by teaching your kids nearly outdated expressions
Plus nothing beats a 5yo pointing & yelling “BEHOLD!”
Lional Richie let the world know that he played no active role in raising babies or toddlers when he released the song, “Easy Like Sunday morning.”
Community dinner theater is great because sometimes you’re hungry but you also want to see bad acting.
I thought secret rooms would play a bigger role in my adult life. Like the kind of room you access by pulling a book on a shelf or pressing a certain stone on a wall or pulling on a sconce. Also where are all the trap doors?
Hostage negotiator: I don’t quite get your demands.
They said I couldn’t drink or operate machinery on my medication.
But here I am…Driving a forklift…Sipping a beer…Lifting up my boss’s car…
You know what sucks about Karaoke?
Coworkers don’t appreciate the time & effort that I put into my make up or outfit before singing Madonna
Camping? Like sleeping with my bedroom window open?
911: what’s your emergency?
me: I taught my Dad how to text
911: the problem ma’am?
me: he CALLS to say “yeah, got ur text”
When his teacher told us that our toddler is kind and sweet to the other kids in school I was so relived. If he treated other people the way he treated me he’d be in jail.
thought we’d see more kids named goku by now
Dentist: this is gonna hurt a little bit
Me: ok
Dentist: I’ve been sleeping with your mom
The D word that everyone’s been feeling at work is depression. I guessed the wrong word, apparently.
Aaaaand there’s HR calling me. Brb.
please may i have the balding salaryman post-it notes….he grows alarmingly more bald as you use them…ah..
The main city in DuckTales being called ‘Duckburg’ is mad. Imagine a human city called Manchester
[parking garage]
FBI: got the file?
Me: [attempts to whistle but spits on Agent]
FBI: for the last time that’s not Whistleblowing
Me: Say that word I like
Him: Pajamas?
Getting all my breaking news from Tinder these days.
me: i miss being in a relationship im lo-
*elephant charges and runs me over*
me: *lying on ground* oh right that’s what it feels like, thanks for the reminder mr bubbles
*elephant trumpets*
My resume is really just a list of things I never want to do again.
Most of my exercise comes from getting up to let the cat in and out.