Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: you know how in movies someone is yelling at someone else and the sexuality of the exchange overtakes them and they start making out

Wife: yes why

Me: my boss fired me today

My second child was so overdue, when we left the hospital we dropped her off at kindergaten.

accountant: “youre basically broke”
wife: “he keeps spending money on stupid stuff”
me: “lets ask the dog if he thinks his jeans are stupid”

I was buying wine at the market and the checker looked at me and said you know you have to be 21 right so we got down right there on aisle 7.

Dwayne Johnson, paper, scissors

I taught the baby to say “help” instead of just yelling and now she says help like a Southern belle with the vapors

I don’t think the lady who just shushed a baby in the library knows how babies work

Me: Want to go to your classmate’s birthday party?

7yo: Yes, I love him! He’s my favorite! We’re best friends!

Me: What does he like so we can get him a present?

7yo: I don’t know.

No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body

My ideal weight is five million dollars

This is the best one I’ve seen

*twirls fork through hair*

So, is it is really murder if you stab them when they stand between you and your cake?

A lion would probably call a Kenyan runner fast food.

I’d explain it to you, but I don’t have any crayons with me.

Nothing gets me hotter than seeing those three little words. “Out for delivery.”

them: you look just like a friend of mine
me: she sounds really pretty

The aliens only appear to people in the US because they’ve heard so much about its many hummus flavours

Decided to use the classic celebrity break up picture torn in half method to announce that my cat no longer likes these treats.

[concert]
Security Guard: Ma’am, do you have alcohol in your bag?
Me: I don’t think so. Here, hold this flask while I check.

of course babies cry when flying, their entire understanding of planes centres around them being eaten

why do “youngster” and “elderly” get to be words, but “oldster” and “youngerly” don’t?

wife: are you drunk?

me: define “drunk”

w: impaired by an excess of alcohol

m: define “excess”

w: yeah, you’re drunk

m: define “you’re”

Has anyone seen my jacket? It’s white with sleeves that make you hug yourself and a cute belt.

Apparently a guy named George Martin leaked all the main plot points of the next season of Game of Thrones in some books he published. Jerk.

So, I bought the Cucumber Mint lip balm from Burt’s Bees. I kinda love it and hate it too. What? Oh, yeah I want to report a murder.

My dog’s dinner: premium organic grain-free no salt or sugar GM free 80% meat 20% veg

My dinner: Haribo

The washing machine broke so I had to wash my undies in the river. As a bonus, 3 catfish floated to the top afterwards, so dinner is served!

I may not be the brightest crayon in the tool shed but at least I’m great at analogies.

The neighbors saw me plow over three sprinkler heads trying to back out of the driveway, so now I need to move.