Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I tried to cancel the sail I ordered for my new boat but Amazon said:

“We’re sorry, your sail has shipped.”

[date]
HER: I’m studying to be a scientist but really love comedy
ME: [trying to impress her] Botany good textbooks lately?

7 foot tall undergrad told me that he was going to have to miss class for a game and, not wanting to make assumptions, I asked him what team he was on and he just said “come on” lmao

This LSD may be taking a turn, but I think this pony rabbit is a piece of shit insurance salesman.

Dating for me is like wearing cashmere, I think I can handle it, and then a few hours later I’m like, “Get it off of me!!!”

I like to think that all my unfollowers have violated their parole and been sent back to the big house. Just kidding, I hope they’re dead.

My 8 yo daughter’s idea of cleaning is sitting in front of the fridge and eating all the food.

So he says ” Nice glasses” and I say ” Thanks! They’re for seeing ”

*slaps knee*

both dogs refuse to go out to pee in the rain so i have to lift each one up and heave them out the back door like i’m a bouncer and they just got in a fight

I’ve never skydived but I have had to do math in front of a bunch of people in a meeting so I think I understand the adrenaline rush.

Get in, octopus. We’re gonna open jars and do some taxes.

So UBER is not a dating app?

*sigh*

I kinda thought all those ‘Goodbye’ kisses seemed more awkward than usual.

[after finding and hanging out with bigfoot] does anyone have one of those pet hair rollers

We only cook with fresh, local ingredients so tonight we’re grilling our neighbor’s cat.

Last week, my sister ran a marathon. Today, she is rappelling down a skyscraper.

I’m starting to think one of us is adopted.

I found eleven dollars in the dryer this morning and spent the rest of my day interviewing investment advisors.

Me: I said you would learn a ton working with the public in this job. What would you say is the most important thing you’ve learned so far?

17: That the public is crazy.

Both sides are the wrong side of the bed when you don’t wanna get up

There’s been a fire at London Zoo. Apparently two stick insects were having sex and it all got out of control.

[2000 years ago]
jesus: merry christmas
stranger: what?
jesus: just say it back i’m trying to start a thing

all you need for a winnie the pooh costume is a red tshirt and courage

Why do we only do certain things for toddlers? Maybe I want some applause when I eat a piece of fruit.

professor x: what’s your power?

me: i’m at 6%

professor x: oh yeah you can definitely use my charger

Me:*about to chop vegetables, picks up a knife,*. That’s not a knife.

*picks up a larger knife,* Now that’s a knife!

Husband: You’re starting to loose your mind a little over there Crocodile Dundee.

My phone just autocorrected “Haha” to “Jaja” so I guess I’m Mexican now.

WIFE: Now stick to the list, okay?
ME: I will.
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[6 puppies run by]
ME: Relax, they were on sale, Karen.

had the person who invented the bicycle seat never actually experienced sitting down before

Breaking up

(be mature, be mature, be mature)

Me: (eating chips) you can’t use the carpool lane anymore.