Thinking of having kids?
Buy a sofa where the cushions are attached and don’t come off.
You’re welcome. I’ve just saved you fifteen million hours of your life.
90% of parenting is asking, “Did you _?” when you know damned well that they didn’t.
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Little did he know that his foot powered filing system would have made him billions if he had only thought of a better name
– The Ped-o-file
The bravest thing you can do is change & the weakest is to settle for comfort.
But, seriously, that remote is really far from the couch.
Wife: Can I have one of your french fries?
Me: No, I don’t have that many.
My dog: Can I have one?
Me: OMG yes. Here, take them all.
*runs Baywatch style through Wendy’s drive-thru*
Why do squirrels swim on their backs?
“To keep their nuts dry.”
(Please don’t leave me. I was dropped on my head as a baby.)
Playboy: We’re going to take the naked ladies out of our magazine!
Men: You know we were kidding about reading the articles, right?
Last night my 4yo said a prayer for all the people in the world including “Africa, Asia and Syrup.” From now on, I will be referring to Europe only as Syrup.
Grandpa Joe’s all, I’m gonna just stay in bed for twenty years. Wait, a CHOCOLATE FACTORY? jkjk I can walk!
He’s my kinda people.
I don’t normally take my kids grocery shopping with me, but today I thought, “Oh, why not?” Then my 6yo grabbed a whisk from a display of cooking utensils and yelled “It’s time for your daily beating!” at my 9yo and I was like, “OH, RIGHT.”