90% of parenting is asking, “Did you _?” when you know damned well that they didn’t.
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This day in history. 1924. Franz Kafka died after a surrealistically charged life which should have its own adjective. Kafkastic? Kafkable?
Cops have a new radar that lets them see through walls into our homes but imagine if this technology fell into the wrong hands! Oh wait…
If you’re ever hiking in the woods and you get lost, just look up and find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
“I’m $50 away from getting free shipping which is only $5 and what I want is $12 so I need to spend $38 more to save money.”
-my brain
This girl wants to sing with me but I don’t wanna duet
SHAKESPEARE: Brevity is the soul of wit.
ME: *Shows him twitter*
SHAKESPEARE: Okay, well, no, obviously not like that.
Parenting is basically telling your kids they need to eat more fruit then telling them to quit eating all the fruit.
Me: some mornings I see myself in the mirror and think what am I even getting ready for
Therapist: sorry, can you pull the toothbrush out of your beard
angel 1: what are these?
angel 2: strawberries
angel 1: you forgot the seeds!
angel 2: oh shit, he’s coming whadda we do?
angel 1: quick, stick ’em on the outside
god: *passing by* ooh nice
A popsicle stick makes a great bookmark. But eat the popsicle first. Don’t make the same mistake I did.
sheep: hey give me my jeans back
wolf: no I need them for this idiom
4-year-old: Can I have some floss?
Me: You’re too little
4: But I really, really need it
Me: Fine. *gives her floss*
4:*ties up Barbies*
[guy about to invent monopoly]
*looking at friends* i have too many of these
me: I think my blood’s haunted
doctor: what
me: I think it might be full of hemogoblins
Mad cow disease wears off and eventually you’re just tired with a cow disease.
Every birth announcement I see the parents are like “we’re already so in love!” Just once I want a “she seems chill but we’ll see what happens”
this has to be peak English
“You’re the Garbage Man, eh? What’s your super power?”
“I’m just here to take out the trash.”
“Whoa, we’ll get to your catch phrase later.”
People overlook Dracula’s positive attributes. In his bat form, he eats mosquitoes and other unwanted backyard insects.
“This year sucked, next year will suck too.” Enough negativity, let’s hear something aspirational. In 2024 we will put all tik tok content creators in jail
My husband said we should have a ‘date night’
I wonder why he didn’t like it when I introduced him to my date? Husbands, go figure.
Fitness instructors who resist the temptation to yell out YOUR OTHER LEFT are alright.
me: can i withdraw a million dollars
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
[Shopping for Deodorant]
I’m gonna get the same kind I always do, but I better sniff it first to make sure I still like it.
Putting lotion on your hands and picking up your coffee cup is pretty damn stupid.
“they arent wearing seatbelts” – my mom watching a car chase scene in any action movie
“What if you fell down a mountainside but on purpose?” -the invention of skiing
Doug is just Canadian for dog
me after killing a werewolf: more like werewolf {but this time i pronounce it were, like the second person singular past, plural past, and past subjunctive of be}
When my kids requested a song in the car, I jokingly said, “Sure OR… stay with me, Mommy could sing it for you!”
I may never emotionally recover from their critique 😭