@mommy_cusses

90% of parenting is asking, “Did you _?” when you know damned well that they didn’t.

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@DaddingAround

Thinking of having kids?

Buy a sofa where the cushions are attached and don’t come off.

You’re welcome. I’ve just saved you fifteen million hours of your life.

@mansizedthumbs

Little did he know that his foot powered filing system would have made him billions if he had only thought of a better name
– The Ped-o-file

@Shock_Monster

The bravest thing you can do is change & the weakest is to settle for comfort.

But, seriously, that remote is really far from the couch.

@GrillinChillin9

Wife: Can I have one of your french fries?

Me: No, I don’t have that many.

My dog: Can I have one?

Me: OMG yes. Here, take them all.

@funnybeachgirl

Why do squirrels swim on their backs?

“To keep their nuts dry.”

HAHAHAHA!

(Please don’t leave me. I was dropped on my head as a baby.)

@better_off_dad

Playboy: We’re going to take the naked ladies out of our magazine!

Men: You know we were kidding about reading the articles, right?

@TheCatWhisprer

Last night my 4yo said a prayer for all the people in the world including “Africa, Asia and Syrup.” From now on, I will be referring to Europe only as Syrup.

@MissBamantha

Grandpa Joe’s all, I’m gonna just stay in bed for twenty years. Wait, a CHOCOLATE FACTORY? jkjk I can walk!

He’s my kinda people.

@copymama

I don’t normally take my kids grocery shopping with me, but today I thought, “Oh, why not?” Then my 6yo grabbed a whisk from a display of cooking utensils and yelled “It’s time for your daily beating!” at my 9yo and I was like, “OH, RIGHT.”