90% of parenting is asking, “Did you _?” when you know damned well that they didn’t.
You Might Also Like
[God making African animals]
Screw it. Just put stripes on a horse, make that water lizard really big, and put spots on a really tall deer.
TINDER DATE: When you said you looked exactly like you do in your profile pic, you weren’t lying.
ME: *kneeling outside the movie theatre, holding a fish* Nice to meet you, Rebecca.
I’m bored and that can only mean one thing.
My bank accounts about to take a hit.
Roy Batty: “I’ve seen things you people wouldn’t believe.”
*opens Twitter*
[ten minutes later]
“I take it back. You people would believe anything.”
I’m confused about plants
You know what I really like about you, girl? You’re really down to earth. *waits for response, nothing. Goes to next tombstone* You know wha
It’s cute how airlines think I know my flight number
When someone tells me they’re sick I try to make them feel better with a story about my own sickness that was much worse and many years ago.
Horse Trainer: OK, so THIS is a very rare breed of unicorn.
Her: He’s kind of uncomfortable to ride.
Horse Trainer: Well, if you sat on its back….
Sweat pants & Uggs in public says “and I didn’t brush my teeth, either.”
There was romance over dinner last night.
Me to my husband: If we weren’t married, I’d marry you based on these potatoes.
A lot of parenting includes slow blinking at your child when they do something stupid while you mutter to yourself that they take after your spouse.
Husband: Some weirdo broke into the house last night.
Wife: How do you know it was a weirdo?
Husband: They stole all my Bruno Mars drawings.
If you make it through life without being portrayed in a murder documentary, take the win.
My boss asked if I had Facebook and I said sure and gave up the link. Then she asked about twitter. After an awkward silence I said, huh?
Sorry for shouting “go go gadget personality” while you were speaking. Please, continue.
Stuck in traffic but luckily few people are beeping their horns so we’ll be moving any second now.
I’ve deleted all dating apps off my phone I’m over it 😭 I’m waiting for someone to meet me in the library while I am reaching for a book that’s too high and just as everything is about to fall on me they swoop in and shield me
hey (with the intention of telling Jude not to make it bad)
Friend: How could lingerie ruin a romantic night?
Me: He fell asleep waiting for me to put it on. Never buy lingerie at IKEA.
Somehow names of kids have gotten more outrageous and names of pets have gotten way more normal. If my wife texts “Kyle was a problem today” I shouldn’t have to wonder if it’s another kid from preschool or my neighbor’s cat.
*throws bottle with note into ocean
*months pass
*bottle with note washes up on beach“Your rescue request is very important to us…”
Friends and neighbors have been baking for me but if they really care they should just pitch in to buy me larger sweatpants.
Dons gloves and bandana.
Saunters into restaurant.
THIS IS A TAKE OUT!
I asked my mom what she wanted today and she said “she just wanted me to be happy,” so I’m on ecstasy petting a dolphin right now.
That awkward moment you have long eye contact with someone who’s really attractive, only cause it’s too hard to walk away from the mirror.
The fastest animal in Canada is probably the vaMoose.
That moment you are trying to figure out if you are Joey, Ross, or Chandler and you realize you’re Gunther.
Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil.
I can accomplish this if I avoid my mother.
captcha starting to give us tasks like we’re in a saw movie or something.