90% of parenting is crumb identification.
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me: wanna go on a date tomorrow?
him: sure how about 8?
me: slow down. i was thinking we’d try the one first
gonna pet so many people’s dogs while they’re distracted looking at the eclipse
talking isn’t enough. i need the therapist to backhand me
What rhymes with ‘riddance’? I need to get this Bereavement card perfect.
If you’re ever lost in the woods, just find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
I like my women like I like my wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh IN THE JUNGLE THE MIGHTY JUNGLE THE LION SLEEPS TONIIIIIIIIGHT
Me: *calls wife* hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places
Wife: um yeah, is this why you’re calling me?
Me: haha no… i’m stuck in the chimney
Tim: This is Tim from accounting.
Me: Hi Tim from accounting.
Tim: Just say Tim.
Me. Tim.
Tim: How are you today?
Me: Tim.
boss: are you having trouble keeping all those balls in the air?
me: a little yes.
boss: maybe stop juggling and get back to work then.
WIFE: [holding newborn baby] Ive never been so proud of anything in my life
ME:[thinking about that one time I drew a perfect giraffe] same
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I jokingly took credit for the inside Christmas decorations.
I’m just here to make bad decisions, not explain them
My memory is pretty bad until I’m pissed off, and then you are in for quite the surprise.
Me: I can never hear the alarm in the morning anymore.
Wife: Me either. We are getting old.
Me: Nah, I think it’s because we have become used to annoying sounds.
Wife: What do you mean-
[Kids start imitating hyenas]
-nevermind.
Finally, I can just walk around every day covered in feathers.
My nickname is Phantom Menace, because I also came out in 1999 and am not that popular.
WIFE: Can you send these party invites out?
ME: Sure *throws them out window*
WIFE: Did you-
ME: If they’re meant to come, they’ll come.
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
Date: Do you want to go upstairs?
Me: Sure.
Date: Do you have any protection?
Me: Who’s up there?
My two teenagers are very different. My son always wants money, whereas my daughter prefers the convenience of my credit card.
Writing advice: Write well, not badly. Keep writing until the book is finished. After you’re finished, get the book published. Sell a lot of copies, not just a few.
Still the weirdest shit to me how the mario movie did the “aw I just want my dad to support me and my dream” plot but instead of like being a musician, Mario wants to be a plumber. Which is a pretty grounded reasonable thing to want to do.
me: Guess what? Your dad’s going to be on the radio!
7yo: What’s the radio?
If you’re a home repair guy a good business strategy is to follow guys home from Lowe’s after they buy a power washer and drop your business card in their mailbox.
My friends are like “hey come camping with us this weekend” & I’m like “I can’t, I have to get new friends”
We’d been married for 5yrs before we heard the patter of tiny feet. In time even the kids learned to live with the massive rat infestation
In France they call Mr. Bean Monsieur Legume
I’m not one for asking u guys to check out sites but please do.
Awesome site ~ _~ I’m really honored. @funTweeters
TENNIS BOYFRIEND: You deserve love
TENNIS GIRLFRIEND: That’s so mean
He asked where I wanted to go for dinner, and that’s how the fight got started.