90% of parenting is crumb identification.
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As much as I love making terrible science puns I understand why they need to be periodically tabled
[interview]
employer: where do you see yourself in 2 years
me: talking down to people & doing as little as possible
employer, taking notes: okay, so…management
If you say “I knew you were going to say that” enough.
You can start billing people for psychic readings.
Was bored so Applied for a dentist job at some clinic. I have an interview this week馃槶
I HAVE NEVER BEEN TO MED SCHOOL馃槶
Mom watching Parasite: Turn it up, I can鈥檛 hear what they鈥檙e saying
Brother: They鈥檙e speaking Korean!
Mom: Shhh
Eating frosting with my hand. Just kidding I don’t know whose hand this is
If you find a fry on the floor and you don’t share it with me, we can’t be friends. Don’t touch me. Monster.
[ Medical Website to retrieve your STD test results ]
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*pops stick of Juicy Fruit in mouth*
“Mmm, this is delic…shit, the flavor’s gone.”
Good morning, especially if they tried to make go to rehab and you said no, no, no.
wow, ok, unfollowing now. was a huge fan of his cooking. had no idea he was exploiting the labor of a marginalized rat
For my 40th birthday present, my husband replaced a pan that he broke and that’s how I know he’ll never be able to leave me for another woman
I鈥檓 not a doctor, which is why I鈥檓 able to offer surgeries for so much less than my competitors.
Me: Flirting is fun
Me when actually flirting: OMG HOW DO I DO THIS. WHATS A WINK. IVE FORGOTTEN HOW TO BREATHE. YOUR FACE IS TIDY. HOW DO I HUMAN. HELP.
You can tell a lot by a guy’s teeth.
For instance, if they’re three feet long, that’s no man; that’s a hippo.
“And if all your friends were jumping off a bridge, would you make up a story about jumping off a bridge too?”– Teen Brian Williams’ mother
Superman comfortably getting dressed in a phone booth indicates he had the body of a 10th grader.
This weekend I lost an hour to daylight saving time and another hour stuck behind a person at the ATM who was apparently transferring funds to a Swiss bank account, refinancing their mortgage, and making 12 withdraws from 12 different accounts.
God tier horse name today on the sims
When your cat crashes his bicycle in his dream.. 馃槀
Chicago launched an innovative new ride-sharing program today and the way it works is some guy stole my bike.
Oh thank goodness, my Uber driver knows what’s really wrong with this country.
Some of my friends exercise every day, meanwhile I’m watching a show I don’t like because the remote fell on the floor.
I wish I’d gotten my affairs in order before I bit into this hot pepper.
mugger: your money or your life
me: oh you pick
My incontinence jokes are much like the instructions on the side of my chamber pot.
Piss, Pour.
Born on February 29th of a leap year, I can’t legally drink till I’m 84.
Who called it industrial espionage and not being a thief executive?
7yo: You count to 20 and I’ll hide.
Me: Ok. [Starts counting.]
[Goes downstairs to drink coffee and eat cookies.]
doctor: can you bend down and touch the ground with your fingertips
me: [struggling] nope
doctor: try without the stilts