The cat knocked over my coffee in the home office this morning and I’ve reported her to HR. In other news, HR has hired my cat.
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Is the speed limit the same if you’re driving in reverse?
Siri, fight Alexa.
Me: Well hello again. I knew you’d be back. I seem to have that effect on people
Fed Ex: Just sign here so I can leave
Accidentally dialed 911 so I set my neighbor’s house on fire so I wouldn’t look stupid.
3yo: why do you have to die one day?
Me: probably because of something I said to mommy.
I tell my toddler to “ask nicely” and instead of saying please he whispers his demands and I’m not even sure that he’s wrong
Ten million people accused me of exaggerating today.
Raggedy Andy knew he was becoming a man when he noticed yarn where there wasn’t yarn before.
*neighbors putting mountain bikes on the car*
you guys headed down to the pawnshop?
date: you look nice
me: well you look very [peeks at thesaurus under the table]…ornate
*hops in time machine*
him: where ya going?
me: 1988..this kid roasted me and I said oh yeah well shutup and BOY DO I HAVE THE BEST COMEBACK NOW
“We’re out of options, I’ll have to use the jetpack,” I said, strapping on the jetpack and ignoring many non-jetpack options still available
*sewing*
A thread
God: you’re a koala bear.
Koala: yay I love bears!
God: but you’re not a bear.
Koala: oh.
God: yeah.
Koala: this is awkward.
God: it’s just bears have certain criteria.
Koala: so you’re saying I don’t meet the koalafications : )
God:
Koala:
God: that pun was beary bad.
“You’re getting an MFA in English? Wasn’t your Bachelor’s useless enough for you?”
-second degree burn
[at bar]
“Yeah I pulled down a solid 6 figs last year.”
Whoa that’s impressive!
“I know, right! Can’t believe I got fired by that fig farm.”
When I have more than $20 in my account at the end of the month I have to wonder what bill I forgot to pay.
Substitute teaching 1st graders was not at all the Dead Poets Society experience I was hoping it would be.
When you stub your toe but there are kids around.
Kill it with fire!
*douses it in hot sauce*
All my mom’s plants die from being overwatered and that’s all you need to know about my childhood and why I’m like this.
Like certain sexual acts I’ve engaged in, I don’t want to think about how blue cheese is made.
It tastes good and that’s all that matters.
Me at 23: I can’t believe someone called the cops on us, it’s only 1am!!
Me at 43: It’s 10 o’clock and they’re still making noise. Call the cops.
I once watched two guys arguing in sign language.
Either that, or they were both really bad at martial arts.
You bring home one goat and suddenly you’re not allowed to go to the farmers market unsupervised anymore.
I’m boring. I just trick people into thinking I’m interesting by always being angry.
I have a divorce case where I’m seriously considering hiring community theater actors to come into court and read all the text messages for the record.
The First Step in AAA is admitting your car has a problem.
Maths meets science