90% of parenting is making tiny portions of snacks look big and big portions of vegetables look tiny.
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“Oh my god, just put it in me, I can’t wait any more!”
– me to the doctor giving me the vaccine
After 9 months and 347 pics of you being pregnant you REALLY only need to post one pic of the baby as proof.
We believe you.
Gilmore girls is a fantasy about living in a walkable community
I could never be an Instagram mom influencer. For starters, I wouldn’t be able to give my kids a name like Banjo or Parmesan or Chandelier.
inside you are two wolves
Me: Which cup do you want?
2-year-old: That one!
Me: Let’s pick a different one.
2-year-old: No!
*drinks milk from a shot glass*
If an astronaut goes really fast they’re a fastronaut
[at funeral] You really had to see him live
Talk to me, like lovers do
Judge: You wanted to approach the bench to say that?
This is the ideal male body. You may not like it but this is what peak performance looks like.
If you need me I’ll be in a weird mood.
JLo and Ben Affleck are back together, Lindsay Lohan is starring in a new movie, and I’m living in my parents house. Hello 2004
.@rickygervais Ricky, if you can get Twitter to verify me, you will be the first atheist allowed into heaven.
whenever I look up and see a security camera, I like to imagine there’s a guy in some secret control room somewhere in europe who calls his boss on his little headset and says “we’ve got him, sir. he just entered the south hall at the chipotle on main street”
This afternoon a crew of men were installing Christmas lights on a house down the street. The next thing I hear is a boy yelling, “It’s not Decemberrrrrr!!”
That’s how I knew my son was home from school.
[making the first boat]
“How do we get across this river?”
ME: we gotta build a boat
“What’s a boat?”
ME: that’s what we gotta figure out
Chemical wingman
My 6yo set a timer so that I could have a rest after eating. When the alarm went off it was time for me to go play with him.
He set the timer for 11 seconds. Plenty of time for a rest.
Why the hell would I use turn signals? I know where we’re going.
I don’t know why Coca-Cola and Pepsi are fighting over what Santa drinks, everybody knows that big fat belly can only come from beers.
Hey sorry I can’t make it that night. My wife and I have tickets to a Broadway show. Yeah a bunch of guys brought a giant ape over from some island and we’re going to go look at him
BRAKING NEWS!!
ME: I’ve expressed this political opinion so clearly, there’s no way anyone could misinterpret it.
THE INTERNET: lmao challenge accepted
Unfortunately, not even me offering to cut my toenails could save the relationship.
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
Oh you’re a yogi name one picnic basket you’ve stolen
The average Apple employee works 6 hours longer a day than an Apple battery.
Want to binge on sugar but all I’ve got are gummy vitamins so I’m about to get mad healthy
i feel like nothing is gonna happen to twitter idk i just always felt like this app would be here surviving at the end of the world like a cockroach
Warm welcome to all my new followers from last night when I changed my avi to a skinny brunette from Pinterest