90% of parenting is making up rules. 10% is trying to remember them.
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Day 15 of unemployment, still no job listings for dog petters
me: *joking* i’m always right! i’m NEVER wrong.
7: well. sometimes you are. remember when –
me: shut up
Probably should schedule my next dentist appt for this week since I ate some street corn last night and this may be the only time I floss this year.
2020 is like your cat offering to “help” with your jigsaw puzzle.
Oompa Loompa: When you die do we get the factory?
Wonka: No, I’ll just invite 5 random kids and murder 4.
Oompa Loompa: We need a union…
big fan of the comma, just great. like look, i just made you pause the sentence as you read it. oh look, i just did it again.
When I say “I’m open to feedback” I mean “I accept compliments.”
Everybody thinks “Free Hugs” signs are cute, unless you’re a boa constrictor.
Existing is a pretty remarkable achievement.
Eating at restaurant with Mom after her doc appointment when phone rings
Me: *phone rings* Hello? Okay. I’m not at my laptop so I can’t answer you but don’t worry—I’m eating an ice cream sundae about it right now.
San Andreas is just like Godzilla only Godzilla is invisible
“Omelet you finish,” -Kanyegg West
Her: Has anyone ever told you that you’re a narcissist?
Me: Many times. What can I say? Nobody’s perfect.
Except for me, obviously.
Why am I getting ads for things that cost $495? I have never bought anything ever that costs $495
And where the back of the wardrobe should have been, one passed through until the air grew cold and one could feel the brush of pine trees. This Ikea wardrobe is terrible.
Me: Was the island real or were they dead the whole time?
Sony tech support: We can’t answer that kind of TV question, sir.
social media jobs be like:
Do you know your TikTok from your Facebook? have you ever heard of or seen “a computer”?
Then you just might be perfect for our SOCIAL MEDIA DIRECTOR job, running every online element of our business
£13k, Slough
2yo’s favorite cartoon is teaching him about centrifugal force.
When I was little, my favorite cartoon taught me never to order from Acme.
i for one absolutely hate and can’t stand it when the crab next to me in this bucket full of crabs (i too am a crab) climbs over me when i am trying to in fact climb over THEM
When the zombie apocalypse comes and you’re in Walmart, how will you know?
They need an Olympic event where competitors see how long they can work a dead end job.
When I sit down and the toilet seat is warm, I like to imagine someone rubbed a freshly baked loaf of bread on it.
Don’t ruin this for me!
“Maybe I don’t need this second cup of coffee,” she said as she reached for the turkey gravy instead of the milk.
“…nevermind.”
Everything started to go south when I realized I didn’t know how to read a map.
At least, I think it went south.
THERAPIST: are you still using euphemisms to get friends to go jogging
ME: no one ever wants to have the runs with me
Once again in Alien Covenant we are leaning over the Alien egg……..
Toddler: happy birthday daddy!
Me: aw thanks buddy!
Toddler: it’s my birthday too?
Me: no your birthday is in December.
Toddler: IT’S MY BIRTHDAY TOO!
Me: no-
Toddler: TELL ME HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
Me: but-
Toddler: SAY IT!
Me: happy birthday?
Toddler: thanks daddy!
date: so… you just adopted 3 little kindergarteners as your children?
professor utonium: no, no that’d be crazy. they came out of a soup I made in my basement
IF I HAD A NICKLE EVERY TIME A GOP OFFICIAL CALLED TRUMP’S BEHAVIOR “UNACCEPTABLE” BUT ACCEPTED HIM AS NOMINEE I COULD START A FAKE COLLEGE
Stop screaming! I thought you’d appreciate having someone to pass you a towel when you got out of the shower