Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife does this cute thing. She sets her alarm clock an hour before she has to get up and then hits snooze 27 times. It’s so adorable.

Iron Man died in a house fire from leaving himself on.

me: it kind of feels like you’re judging me right now

judge: it’s called “sentencing”

Yet another day I failed to wake up as a giant cockroach

guy: man this water is warm

extremely narcissistic Luke: nah it’s not that warm this is like a different kind of warm tbh

Why do we call them “restrictions,” anyway? Do you look at a life-jacket and think “there’s my drowning restriction”?

“It’s possible to touch birds!” I say suddenly. My coworkers stare at me. I wander outside to touch some birds.

“Don’t take this wrong but…”

Me: Ima stop you right there. I hate you just the right amount.
Please don’t ruin it.

If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.

[after sleeping in a slightly different position] I have gathered you all here to read my last will and testament…

When I’m in a plane that’s full of white people, my new favourite thing to do is to spot another Sikh and shout out loudly to him “Don’t forget our mission”.

8-year-old: Are you going to Meet the Teacher Night?

Me: Do you want me to meet your teacher?

8: No.

Now I’m definitely going.

Someone got friendzoned hard at the Brewers game… 😬

A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick.

My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand.

road expansion addicts be like “just one more lane bro i promise traffic will be fixed, just one more i can stop whenever”

Do you think in a parallel universe they just call it parking?

haha remember when I was in charge of a children’s birthday party at the pottery studio I worked at and I kicked things off by saying “alright it’s jenna’s sixth birthday, pretty impressive she’s made it this far…”

You break into a petting zoo once, to try and brush a goat’s teeth…and all of a sudden you’re banned for life.
*sighs*

i worked at the public library for 3 years. whenever someone returned a book late, i charged the late fee to a fake account. by the time i quit, Mr. Calvin McHobbes of Sparks, Nevada owed $12,793 in overdue fines

Thank God you’ve updated your status to “Finished lunch” after you first posted “Going to lunch” I really couldn’t tolerate more suspense.

Guys invented poker as an excuse to stare into each other’s eyes.

Let us remember him by his own last words: “Homemade jetpack, don’t fail me now.”

You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying

Trying to explain that I’m fascinated by Japan for wood joinery reasons and not nerd or pervert reasons.

Cool shirt 🙂

I have 2020 vision. My eyesight is terrible but I can see precisely 3 years into the future

20: Roll out of bed looking like a model
30: Blush, brush hair & go
40: Blowout, perfume, push-up bra, mani, Spanx, facial, plaster of Paris

[universe where we use wormholes to deliver food]
*a potato flies thru the wormhole and hits my son Blent in the face*
Me: stay sharp Blent

Go to a suburban neighborhood, find the meanest mom with the biggest glass of white wine, and bring her to negotiate your new car purchase.

[inventing mint choc-chip]
me: “people love ice cream right?”
boss: “yes they do”
me: “people love chocolate chips?”
boss: “i hear ya”
me: “know what else people love?”
boss: “hit me”
me: “brushing their teeth”