Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[overheard at a 7 year old’s birthday party]

GIRL: I wanna marry you

BOY 1: 😲

BOY 2: I wanna marry your toilet

him: you’re not like most women
me: is it because I’ll eat an entire pizza, the fries in your hand, and a small village on a first date?

[2nd time at girls house]

“where’s your dog?”

Oh he isn’t mine. I was dog sitting

[makes text alert sound w mouth] “Its work. I gotta go”

#Itssocoldthat..A streaker froze in mid-streak! The town council just stuck a plaque on him and pretended he was a Greek statue until spring

Thank you Twitter for introducing me to brilliant people , but your suggestions of who is similar to me is making me reassess my life.

*bursts out of stable on a chihuahua*

“Wait, if you’re here then that means”

*cut to a horse peeking it’s head out of Paris Hiltons purse*

[cleaning the garage]

ME: just sweep all the dirt and leaves into the driveway

12YO: ok which app do I use

ME: it’s a push broom, there’s no app

12YO: is it on mom’s phone

ME: no app. push. the. broom.

12YO:

ME:

12YO: so should i download it

me: my daughter wants to be a princess, and my son wants to be a bank robber

coworker: what adorable costumes!

me: costumes?

7YO changed her favorite princess to Anna and now my four year investment in Elsa is worth diddly-squat

Ever since I was a little kid I knew that I wanted to be late for work

Like you’ve never thought about giving Adderall to a turtle.

Years ago, scientists knew barely anything about space! It was probably because those scientists were babies

dad: I AM VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN

son: HI VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN IM GREG

dad: omg [sheds a tear]

Man, I was just reminded that the world is supposed to end this year and I haven’t even started packing yet.

I’m trying to convince my boss that “ffs” is short for
“For faster service”
so I can put
“What do you need now, ffs”
in all my emails

My daughter and niece have a new game where they pretend to be grannies and the game is just them loudly complaining about things in old lady voices. Anyway I’m waiting for my turn to play

I was so devastated by my divorce that I barely finished the eleventh grade…

I jack off in the shower using only L’Oréal conditioner. Why? Because I’m worth it.

Hackers in movies think they’re so cool they can get any password in five mins flat. Well so can I. Just that it’s for my own accounts.

My neighbour got drunk and left a case of beer on his front porch last night.

In other news, I just got a free case of beer.

HOT SINGLES HAVE MIGRATED AWAY FROM YOUR AREA DUE TO CLIMATE CHANGE

Any zoo can be a petting zoo if you’re really good at climbing fences.

WIFE: honey?
ME: yes dear
WIFE: did something hit the car
ME: yes deer
WIFE: do you know what it was
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it an animal
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it a rabbit
ME: no deer

“We’re promoting you to Anchor”

Reporters: 🙂

Sailors: 🙁

No thanks, toilets that flush.

-kids

I still can’t believe it when someone in the bathroom stall next to me is talking on the phone

I mean, who TALKS on the phone

[first date]
ME: That’s a pretty name.
CASSIE: Thank you!
ME: Is it short for Casserole?

I only hug people when I need to wipe my hands off.

I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.

I should be back in about eight days.

Hey, parents of an only child considering having one more, know that I just split an M&M in half.

An M&M.

In half.