90% of parenting older kids is making sure they’re not in the same room when they have to do homework.
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This is a genius move
No YOU tried to pet the albino skunk that wandered up from the woods.
Related: Never go outside w/out contacts and YES I need a shower.
Producer: What should we do with the deer movie?
Walt Disney: Kill the mom.
P: and the mermaid movie?
WD: Kill the mom.
P: maybe for the lion movie we can do something different?
WD: Oh ok….kill the dad.
Whoever created crustless pot pie had no clue why people eat pot pie.
quarantine day 1: filet mignon with bordelaise sauce, charred asparagus and roasted garlic fingering potatoes
quarantine day 5: entire bag of stale marshmallows
quarantine day 7: tequila
When you order 20 bananas and end up with 20 *bunches*…
KATY PERRY: Can I use a real tiger?
NFL: No way, that would be dumb.
KATY PERRY: Oh I’ll show you dumb.
glitter can neither be created nor destroyed, only transferred from one location to another
Friend Who I Haven’t Seen in a While: your kid’s gotten so big! what is he, four?
Me: i have no idea what he’s for
[Heaven]
God: Sorry I pulled you away from earth
Stan Lee: Nuff said!
God: It’s just part of the job
Stan Lee: well with great power… [winks]
Punched myself in the eye trying to pull on my skinny jeans again
I would like a formal apology each time I prove to my computer it wrongly accused me of being a robot.
Finally, my winter fat is gone… now I have spring rolls
ME BEFORE HAVING TEENS: I like a good, crunchy apple
ME AFTER HAVING TEENS: Apples totally slap. Much cronch.
No one makes eye contact in a restroom after being “loud” in a stall.
Women because they’re embarrassed
Men because they’ll start laughing
[being prepared as a virgin sacrifice to a vengeful god]
me: this is a mistake. i do sex all the time
shaman: [anointing me with ceremonial oils] lol with who?
me: you wouldn’t know her she goes to another tribe
society: let’s give mothers their very own day
me: what about sharks?
society: we’ll give them a whole week
Three steps to start a relationship.
1- buy a sheep
2- name it “relation”
3- now you have a relationsheep.
My wife was cross when my 2yo broke a Chinese spoon this morning & I said it was “just Wonton destruction” & honestly it did not go down at all well.
This is why I need you lot, x
*Magneto flapping his wrist frantically, trying to shake loose a fork stuck to his hand*
It’s all fun and games until someone from real life recognizes you and you realize you’re too small to drag off the body.
If you’re ever interested in having a near death experience just tell a girl she’s not hot enough to be that crazy.
I’ve been with my bf for a little over a year now and my future mil has already vowed to never speak to me again. How was I chosen for this blessing? Did I win some kind of award?
I need a job folding towels that pays $40 an hour.
Flannel? Well plaid hipsters, well plaid.
Last week I ran out of toilet paper and only had a dollar so I bought a pack of gum at CVS.
I haven’t run out of receipt yet.
My kids challenged me to a cartwheel contest.
Long story short, now my chiropractor has a new boat.
Sending my 6yo to law school considering how many arguments I’ve had to hear about why he should get to eat pumpkin pie today
I get Grumpy when I run out of Dopey.
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