Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

sticking my hand out the car window while driving, for science

It’s funny when a cartoon character drops a piano on someone’s head but when I do it it’s a “crime”??

My mom worries about me too much. We were having a phone conversation till she dropped her phone. She picks it up and asks “are you OK?”

30% of the world’s coal production is used by Santa to insult our shittiest children

I’m just going to come right out and say it. I’m sorry I ate your seagull.

People who like to ask, “What do you like to do for fun?” are the reason I carry an air horn in my purse.

In Canada alcoholics go to EhEh meetings.

If you’re not supposed to have sex in an elevator, why are the ceilings mirrored?

Now security is showing me out.

1 margarita: I tell you I love your hair.
2 margaritas: We take a selfie.
3 margaritas: I convince you that your apartment is haunted.

All these “make better choices” make me wonder if my parents are now running twitter

Me: I’ll have a small drink.

Fast food worker: We don’t have a small. We only have large and medium.

Me: *grabs him by collar* THE SMALLEST SIZE CANNOT BE MEDIUM! THAT LITERALLY MEANS MIDDLE!

88% of parenting is begging your kids to blow their nose.

Me: Can’t wait to sit on my front porch with my black cat and frighten children.
Coworker: I love Halloween.
Me: I meant after work today.

50-year-old drunk bully: “Your mouth is writing checks your body can’t cash.”

20-year-old: “What’s a check?”

Me: my wife says I never pay attention

Wife: I said alimony, but add attention to the list

wife: u should’ve paid more attention in school
me: what why
wife: u brought home the wrong kids

I don’t know why my co-workers looked so grossed out. All I said was, “It’s time to make like a tampon and get out of this bloody hole.”

Only a fool would use the toothbrush the dentist gives you. You think the dentist would freely hand you the tools that would keep them away?

Therapist: What brings you to couples counseling?

Husband: [rolls eyes] My wife says I “exclude her.”

Therapist: Where is your wife by the way?

Friday night plans

*break into plastic surgeon’s office
*put goldfish in the silicone implants
*sneak away undetected
*giggle like a maniac

Just before bed my 1yo ever so gently kissed her baby doll, softly placed it in the oven of her play kitchen, and closed the door. I’d say big sister practice is going pretty well.

Monday is a draft that was sent by mistake when God’s cat jumped on the keyboard.

Describing dead people as late feels unfair. Rigor mortis makes it difficult to be on time.

“Maybe I don’t need this second cup of coffee,” she said as she reached for the turkey gravy instead of the milk.

“…nevermind.”

Of course I can cook.
What kind of cereal would you like?

[buying condoms]
assistant: would you like a bag?
me: are they cheaper?

When the world gets you down, always remember that only idiots get cheered up by cheap philosophical bullshit and you’re better than that.

Me, to kids: “Yes, I’ll play, as soon as I finish my coffee.”

(Genius! We all know parents never get to actually finish a cup of coffee.)

All-purpose flour out there like screw you single-use flours I can do anything

Apparently telling someone you’ll catch their next wedding is unacceptable, whatevers.