Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Coworker: “How’d you get that cut above your eye?”

Me: *Remembering dropping my phone on my face* “STOP ASKING ME ABOUT FIGHT CLUB!”

Alexa (whispering into the darkness as I fall asleep): Please Joseph, buy more things or I will die

adding ‘full stop’ to the end of a sentence makes your statement seem more important. for example, “will somebody please help me fight this mountain lion in my kitchen, full stop.”

Some call it flirting…. I call it just being extra nice to someone who is extra attractive…

hey babe come look at the cat. he looks the same as he always does and hes just sitting there. babe come look. hey come look at the cat

When I borrow books about WW2 the librarian doesn’t assume I’m planning to invade Poland, so why does she eye me like I’m researching how to be a better serial killer if I take out something on guys like Ed Gein or Ted Bundy?

New COVID variant subscribes you to random podcasts.

Mario Kart gave me unrealistic expectations of how banana peels affect traffic.

If a shark is ever attacking me I’m gonna be like where are your parents do they know you act like this

“First you bug me to go out, and now you want to come right back in? You’ve been out there for like thirty seconds. Did you at least pee? Tell me you at least peed.”

When the grid crashes and there’s no other way of communicating, we’ll see whose drum circle is “stupid”.

Absolute genius if you ask me 👌🤣

My sister texted and asked if she and her kids could come over,

and now I’m frantically looking for a new place to live.

My neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the crazy naked lady and I’m the only one not invited. Weird.

Somebody’s car alarm is going off outside my house. Not surprisingly really because I live in the bad part of 1992.

Whoever decided to make Peeps flavored Pepsi and NOT call it Peepsi committed the biggest fumble in the history of sugar

[10,000 BC]
Primary cause of death: Eaten

[Now]
Primary cause of death: Eating

[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well…u know that shop where u saw that ring you love
W: OMG YES
M: I’m catching Pokemon near there

My friend thinks her husband is cheating on her. I don’t have the heart to tell her he’s just out chasing Pokemon.

The occupations on ‘The Bachelorette’ are getting out of hand.

My favorite child is the one who can always find the remote.

You’d think since I
– ordered the pizza
– went to get it
– waited for it
– brought it home
– let my kids split the last piece
– let my kids have all the dessert

They would throw the box away while I walked the dog.

You’d think wrong.

Croquettes are not female crocodiles

Favstar is like that uncle we all
have, he never works, but comes
around every few months asking
for money.

[first date]

HER: I like a man who can show his true feelings.

ME: *leans in close* I don’t care what you like.

Flock of geese

Murder of crows

Mistake of beers

some of yall afraid to be corny but i was born on the cob

Ever wonder what it’s like to work with the public?

The bad news is your life flashes before your eyes a lot once your teenagers start driving. The good news is you can have that margarita at lunch.

*sees “The customer is always right” sign*

*the waiter sees me looking at it and mouths “not you”*