90% of parenting older kids is making sure they’re not in the same room when they have to do homework.
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My 7 month old loves when we read books to her but she loves eating the books even more
AMERICA:
Here in the UK
we refer to Jay Z as “Jay Zed”
Ice T as “Ice Ted”
And LL Cool J as “Led Led Cool Jed”
Cell Phone Manufacturers: We’re gonna release a brand new more advanced model.
Apple: We’re gonna release this shit in White. WHITE.
Dear Guy who backs into his parking spot every time,
You are not Jason Bourne. You do not need a rapid egress contingency from Quiznos
Hey everyone, I’m ABSOLUTELY obsessed with this new web series I’ve been marathoning where I non-stop refresh a worldwide coronavirus counter
Thought for the day:
Shouldn’t you really have more than one thought each day?
Oh really well you thought four inches was HUGE when we were talking about spiders.
One-ply toilet paper really feels like you’re wiping with a wish
I have this problem where I keep buying stuffed animals for my anxiety but then my grandparents steal them
People are surprised that I’m nice. Like yea I am fat and suck at sex, I have to be nice.
Facebook: I’m happy!
Instagram: I’m pretty!
Vine: I’m artsy!
Pinterest: I’m crafty!
Twitter: I’m lying everywhere but here.
Me: *annoyed that 3yo never wants to get in the bath and then never wants to get out of bath*
Also me: *procrastinates getting in the shower because comfy and lazy and then doesn’t want to get out of the shower because comfy and lazy*
Once again I feel like I slept in a washing machine.
what did president abe lincoln call his journal?
…his lincoln logs
*unsubscribes from newsletter*
*receives email confirming I unsubscribed from newsletter*
*receives email confirming that I received confirmation that I unsubscribed from newsletter*
*text alert*
me: i hope that’s my crush
pharmacy: thanks for picking up your antipsychotics today
Doctor: well, we lost him
Widow: *sobbing*
Me as a nurse: *whispering* guys he’s right there
I bet the women who only tweet about sex are probably some of the nicest men you’ll ever meet in person.
You know what they say about a guy with big hands?
He can carry more cheeseburgers.
Every single headline could read: “Idiots Continue To Do Stuff”
The best revenge is living well unless you have a crossbow.
I just screenshot my blue check and made it my banner. That was easy. And free 😂
tennis balls are the only sports equipment we trust to the public. if you see a guy walking down the street with a football helmet or a 7 iron that’s suspicious as hell
professor x: what’s your super power
owl: terrible memory
professor x: that’s not usef- you can talk!?
owl: who
My elderly uncle was proudly showing off his new “Screechers”, and my dudes, this is what I will call Skechers from now on
“daddy, the sun has disappeared!!”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson arrives on a Segway]
“listen here you little shit”
Pack a bag, we’re going on a tangent.
New PR on the treadmill today…I was able to hang 5 shirts and 3 pairs of pants
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
Waiter *looks at empty chair opposite me* are you waiting for a friend?
Me: Yes *lowers voice* is this how you get one?