Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Since they added those little mirrors on the ATM, I now get to see what having insufficient funds looks like on my face.

wake up babe a new cause of homosexuality just dropped

I’m really worried Justin Timberlake is going to have me naked by the end of this song.

Why do I have all these cookie pans. I don’t even bake.

All these laws are really getting in the way of my driving.

Me: *holding my pet rat who is wearing full karate gear* Oh RAP battle, that makes more sense.

Been feeling a little moody and run down lately, so I googled my symptoms to see what I might have.

It’s kids. I have kids.

I’m gonna be upset when HBO starts killing off Sesame Street characters one by one Game Of Thrones style.

A skunk got into my kitchen last night when I was cooking dinner and the smell was so bad he went right back out.

Age is a hoax perpetuated by Big Birthday Card to keep us from giving the same card every year.

Dad: relax kids, no monkey business in a nice restaurant
[table over]
Monkey 1: *slams briefcase shut, stands up*
Monkey 2: not worth it man

Cereal. Check.

Milk. Check.

Bread. Check.

Fruit. Check.

Salad. Check.

Wow, the looks I am getting! Guess I could have paid w/ 1 check.

No one has tried to kill me in awhile, and my body double is openly complaining the job I hired him for is less exciting than promised.

Boss: How were your weekends?

Steve: I coached my son’s soccer team

Alice: I helped friends move and volunteered at an animal shelter

Me: I dreamed my clothes were made of peanut butter and jelly

canning is fun because if you get all the steps exactly right you get to eat very old cucumbers and if you get the steps even the littlest bit wrong you get to die of botulism

The duck was completely silent the entire ride. Didn’t say a single word to me. Five stars.

I was reading a book with my 7yo where a teacher was getting married and INVITED ALL HER STUDENTS and then the students started SECRETLY PLANNING THE WEDDING to help out and I was so stressed out like “wtf, how is this gonna pan out, these kids don’t know how to hire a band”

The worst thing about dentists is they put that paper bib on you but they never bring you lobster.

13: My English teacher wants us to write in a journal every day

Me: What have you written so far?

13: “I don’t want to write a journal, & I don’t like Quarantine Chicken Surprise.”

M: Good opener.

My 12yo threatened to defenestrate me and I told him he’s ‘maybe in so much trouble’ and to ‘hold it right there mister’ while I Googled. Like a boss.

Me: I lost my virginity to Barry White.
Her: Really? What song?
Me: Song?

Kids: the floor is lava!

Me: *slowly rolls off couch*

If a serial killer commits suicide, you can console his family by saying,
“hey, at least he died doing what he loved”

me: “beetle rabbit”
boss: “that’s a terrible idea for a cartoon”
jim who always steals my ideas but makes them better somehow: “bugs bunny?”

People have ruined this planet and now they’re just like “Tag, you’re it!” to Mars.

Friend: My baby turned 3 today. He’s growing up so fast!
Me: He’s actually growing up at an equal speed to every other human being on the planet.

(why I’m not invited to birthday parties anymore.)

The level of giddiness I experience when someone I hate says something stupid in front of an audience is a tiny bit embarrassing.

My mom has more confidence in discovering the truth about the JFK assassination than me finding another husband

Me: *mouths I love you*
Him:
M: *blows kiss*
H:
M: *adjusts my pajama top*
H: *empties the can & hops onto the side of the garbage truck*

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.