Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve got chicken fingers and a McRib, a few more parts and my monster will be complete.

evil queen: would you like an apple?

me [is snow white]: nah not really

evil queen: but it’s a magic wishing apple!

me: meh, even so

[christ descends from heaven]
I HAVE RETURNED
[sees america]
OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER

911: What’s your emergency?
ME: SOMEONE STOLE MY COMMA.
911: When did you see it last?
ME: JUST BEFORE I SENT THE TWEET.
911: Where was it?
ME: IN FRONT OF THE “AND.”
911: Sir, that’s an Oxford comma.
ME: SO?!?
911: Well, they’re not really necessary.
ME: GO GET YOUR SUPERVISOR.

Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? Because your man’s out here denying you exist.

This Xmas, remember there are people less fortunate than you. People who can’t sleep diagonal, people sharing a bed, people who are married.

All sex is “make up sex” if you don’t know what you’re doing.

At Olive Garden my 9 year old told the server, “Compliments to the chef!” Then he leaned too far and fell backward out of his chair.

Me after completing a simple 10-minute task that I’d been putting off for 3 months

Person: It’s not rocket science.

Rocket science [wipes forehead and exhales] : Whew! Nearly got caught there.

[15mins into yard work]

my body: yeah… no.

Wife: Are you still tweeting about me being in labor?

Me: Now I’m live tweeting “The Walking Dead.”

Wife:

Me: Everything isn’t about you.

If elected I will pour out three fingers of scotch and fill the bottle back up with water so my dad doesn’t notice.

Yeah, I’m allergic to wheat, but I really like it so I eat it anyway. I’m a real gluten for punishment.

Let’s be honest, you don’t ”watch” tv, you use it as a backround echo creating machine like the rest of us

I didn’t realize how much of parenting is yelling “It’s not a touchscreen!”

My body language is more audible than visual.
*stomach growls

Drove a wedge of suspicion today between the fast food employee at the first window and the one at the second.

the FOLD cycle on my clothes dryer isn’t working

IT’S SATURDAY & TONIGHT I’M PARTYING LIKE A ROCKSTAR!!!
*folds laundry*
*cleans litter box*
*makes friendship bracelet for karate instructor*

Doctor: You can’t drink while on these meds.

Me: Wanna bet?

Husband: My hair looks terrible today. Ohhhh I found out mike’s wife asked him for a divorce

Me: Ohh no! What happened?

Husband: I don’t know, I think I just slept on it weird.

Silence is golden. Unless they’re in the shower and you can’t find their phone.

In that case, silence is very very suspicious!

Some people are glistening beacons of nope.

There needs to be a Yelp for coworkers:

Gary in Accounting – 3.2/5 Stars “He can’t read emails for shit, but he’ll occasionally bring in donuts for everyone”

Got banned from helping my granddaughter write sentences with spelling words. Apparently third graders can’t write about tequila.

I was uninvited to “drop it” because we couldn’t hear Yoncé over my Rice Krispie knees.

Maintains eye contact with the cashier as he rings up my gloves, duct tape, knife and tampons

Twitter is like a very demented game of The Sims. Everyday I check to see how my people are doing and make sure they’re still alive.

My 6-year-old broke his brother’s favorite toy. He asked me what to say to him. Sensing a teachable moment, I looked him in the eye, told him to go to his brother & say, “Mama has something to tell you.”