[Alien family passing Earth]
*door lock noise*
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When I said I like it rough.. I meant sex, not the entire relationship.
People who call themselves “grammar Nazis” deserve the worst possible sentence.
My cat didn’t get me a Father’s Day card and things are a little tense around here right now.
Everyone hates the word moist until they eat a very dry muffin.
I was seeing a woman called Rosemary for about a year. Whenever I went down on her I’d sniff and say “ahh, I love the smell of Rosemary”. She mentioned it numerous times as one of the reasons we were breaking up.
Hear me out.
The first parent to school pick-up gets to pick the best kid. The well behaved one without the snotty nose.
The last parent to pick-up gets the feral child.
It’s a system I think would work.
Follow Sunday: @funTweeters, because boredom.
It’s too bad you unfollowed me, I was about to propose.
Music – rock band
Jehovah’s Witness – knock band
Boats – dock band
Lip synched – mock band
Athletes – jock band
Safe cracker – lock band
Puppet – sock band
Clock maker – tock band
Chicken – b’gok band
Rooster – cock band
ME WATCHING OLYMPIC EVENT: “Holy shit that was amazing!”
COMMENTATOR: “Ooh, that was not good at all. He must really be upset with himself.”
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
Why is it called “reading a book” and not paper view?
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
Which is worse: that I had to wear a Frozen bandaid cuz all the regular ones were taken or that I spent 5 min. deciding between Anna & Elsa?
My bed hair is on point this morning. JK, I look like humans were designed by a mean toddler
Still the best thing I’ve ever seen on the Internet.
My wife got home and was mad when she saw I fed my son cake, banana, popcorn and M&M’s for dinner. I was like, “You saw the banana, right?”
My grocery store keeps rearranging the produce section. If I need to work this hard to find bananas, there better be a damn tropical breeze!
When people don’t drink coffee, it’s like ok but how do you solve the problem of being awake??
Me: Hi. I’d like to deposit a large amount of cash.
Bank teller: Ok. Where is it?
Me: No, I said I’d like to.
Watched Dahmer with my grandma and she kept talking about ways to get that smell out of the house.
Very concerning
My healthy friend invites me to dinner
Me: But you said pasta.
Her: The zucchini IS the pasta. Isn’t that cool?
Me: Yep. More wine please.
twice now the building diva has stormed off angrily after i spoke up in defense of myself, she gets one more, then i unhinge my jaw and finish her.
I asked him about his weekend, but apparently what happens in vagueness, stays in vagueness.
“I only look sexy in contrast to a toilet” – People who bathroom selfie
Using “whom” incorrectly at a party I wasn’t invited to
My credit card was confiscated three days ago.
Jeff bezos just called to make sure I was okay.
Sony has a site where you can watch The Interview for $5.99 and I can’t think of a single reason not to trust them with my credit card info.
14 Valentine’s Day jokes that laugh in the face of Cupid
Him: I like it when a girl growls at me
My stomach: *growls*
Him: not like that