90% of your body is water. 6% is delusion. 4% is lies.
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Wife: What is this?
Me: The grocery list
W: I know, but you replaced “bread” with “beer”
Me: Almost all the ingredients are the same. Hon, if we’re going to move forward as a team we can’t let semantics stand in our way
5: how many numbers do you love me?
Me: awww I can’t even count how much I love you cause I love you soooo much
5: aw I love you 24
Me “I AM THE CHOSEN ONE!”
Wife “Don’t be so dramatic. Everyone gets jury duty sometime”.
There are 2 kinds of people in this world;
1. People who like math
A. People who hate math
3. People who really don’t understand math
*date*
GIRL: I love hot tubs. Do you love hot tubs?
LOBSTER: That’s like the third time you’ve asked me that.
Whenever I don’t want to listen to a song in the car with my wife I just lean over and whisper “my ex loved this song”
Nothing works harder than my sports bra when I’m chasing the ice cream truck.
Whoever came up with ‘the world is our oyster’ must’ve really been into mucus.
According to my 5yo “food is not okay to eat if it’s been on the floor for 3 hours” so I guess it’s now the 3 hour rule
If your wife uses “I” it means she will be doing something. “We” means you will be.
9yo: Do you prefer chocolate or vanilla?
Me: Depends on the day
9yo: Let’s say it’s a Tuesday
My 6-year-old is looking at pictures of me when I was 18 and she keeps saying “You still look the same!” Might write her siblings out of the will and leave everything to her idk
The soul weighs 21 grams. We know this because the Jurassic World film reels are 21 grams lighter than Jurassic Park
What happens when you build a house on top of an old cemetery for accordion players?
You have a polkageist.
your honor my client would like to plead oopsie daisies
Environmentalism is fine but what if global warming is wrong? Then we made our air cleaner for nothing
When asked if I was good with my hands I said “sure, I guess, but sometimes i’m naughty with them too”
Mom’s coming over for dinner. She just LOVES my lasagna. So I made a taco salad.
*buys a 3D printer*
*prints a 3D printer*
*returns 3D printer for a refund*
[1st date]
HER: I love autumn, it’s my favorite season
ME: [trying to impress] Yes, I love the way the leaves just… autumn off the trees
Me: And then, for absolutely no reason, they changed the stars to hearts! We were all so mad
Syrian Refugee: omg please send me back
TV and movies would have you believe that there are way more people crawling around in ventilation ducts than there actually are.
Why did they call them fad diets and not newtrition.
a crowd trying to stone me to death but i keep catching them in my pockets
me: I’m into essential oils
pal: oh yeah, what’s ur favourite
me: canola
If I took every USB cable I’ve ever owned and strung them end-to-end, I’d have a cable 34 miles long that I still couldn’t find when I needed it.
Sometimes I put my cat in the sunroom hoping the coyote who lives out back will charge at it and bounce off the glass.
waiter: would you like to know the one thing on the menu we’re out of tonight?
me: no no I’ll find it thanks
When walking on the beach with someone, I like to pretend that I’m the ocean’s lawyer. “Sorry, I have to take this,” I say holding a seashell to my ear. “It’s my best client.”
My kids and I play this fun game where I wake up early to enjoy a coffee alone and they wake up earlier to make sure that I don’t