Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 7yo was taking pics of her sister, and I said, “oh isn’t she pretty” but 7 responded, “no she’s a suspect.”

[watching him pack his bag to leave]

Me: So this is it, we’re done and you’re leaving me?

Plumber: Uh yes the toilet is unclogged now.

the difference between cupcakes and your opinion is that I asked for cupcakes

If I was a ghost, pottery wouldn’t be the first thing I do.

Sneezed so hard I think I pulled an ovary

All the lions gathered together before slipping into a ravine. Pride comes before a fall.

So inspired right now.

look detective, we’re ALL looking for a hot 5’ 10” guy with athletic build and strong follow through instincts

getting a divorce to pursue my true passion: collecting alimony

I’m at Sephora and the makeup artist asked this woman if she was allergic to anything and she said “shrimp”

Just paid my bills, so don’t ask me to come out. I’m at home getting my money’s worth.

I called 5 a nerd and she started crying. When I explained it was a good thing and that I was a nerd, she started crying harder.

Me: I’d never go to Australia. Everything there wants you dead.

Her: You should feel right at home then.

Me: 😐

Breaking news:

Me: I read this great article today.
Wife: About what?
Me: The effects of aging on the brain.
Wife: Cool. Send me a link.
Me: To what?

If you see a baby locked in a car break the window and put another baby in there, he’s probably lonely.

I wonder if any student will ever top this email.

I can’t get out of bed. These blankets have accepted me as one of their own and If I leave now I might lose their trust.

Cinderella & Clark Kent would be a fun couple. Any time she took off her shoe or he took off his glasses, it’d be: “Who the hell are you?!”

70% of playing catch with my boys is just them waiting until I yawn to chuck the ball directly at my face.

Answering all my mom’s texts today with lyrics from Gangster’s Paradise.

My 2.5 yo pointing to table: Where’s sticker?

Me: the house cleaners must’ve removed it

Pointing to the wall: where’s crayon?

Me: the cleaners must’ve wiped it off

Pointing to toy bin: where’s singing bear?

Me: the cleaners must’ve thrown it out

…we don’t have cleaners

NYPD has found suspect’s jacket in Central Park, checked pockets for clues only to pull out a comically unending string of colorful handkerchiefs

FYI: hey my wife came home in a terrible mood and I figured I’d read her one of my tweets to cheer her up, turns out that’s a bad idea guys

How to sleep:

1. Lay down
2. Dim lights
3. Dwell about literally every mistake you’ve made in your life for 6 hours
4. Rest for 9 minutes

If Trump wins I’m moving to my last Sim City 2000 save file.

SECURITY GUARD: [speaking into the cuff of his shirt] The president is on his way to the car
LITTLE MOUSE THAT LIVES IN HIS SLEEVE: Ok cool

I set an alarm when I’m napping just to make sure I’m not late for my second nap.

Things are finally coming to a head.

~inspirational zit

In dog beers I’ve only had 2.