Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

7: Mom! Will you play Uno with me?? I already have it set up and I definitely didn’t look at the cards before!

Me: Well I’m convinced.

Just found a pot of houmous by the side of the road

Some people will always secretly hope that you fail. Not me. I’ll outwardly hope that shit.

Batman: I’m the world’s greatest detective, you’ll never stump me

Riddler: what’s your secret identity

Batman: Bruce Wayne you idiot

Riddler:

Batman: you absolute fool

Oh you’re a Football fan? Okay then name 3 of their albums. Yeah. That’s what I thought.

A rib broke out of the trash bag last night and stabbed me in the shin as I was taking out the trash. I know my vegetarian followers will approve. 🙂

“There’s a lot to unpack here” is something I say when I don’t have the slightest understanding of what you just said.

I turn my phone off overnight. A 3am text either means bad news or drunk people, and both make more sense in the morning.

her: my fantasy is eating whipped cream off each other, what’s yours

JRR Tolkien: *big breath in*

the guy at the liquor store didn’t card me and it hurt my feelings so I said I was a cop and idk what to do next we’re just standing here

Alright I’m tired and I’m pretty much out of fake mustaches. I’m going to stop voting now.

[mosh pit]
me: HELLOOO TRYING TO DRINK A LATTE HERE

me: could you fill out an employee satisfaction survey about how well I performed today?

woman holding urn full of ashes:

Pal: That’s an impressive stingray. How’d you catch it?
Me:*flashes back to being dressed as girl stingray* You know, the regular way.

No one comes off looking worse than the third party who was asked to interfere in a couple fight.

Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater

Call your laptop what it really is: Bed TV.

Don’t know if it’s the cape, the boom box or the telescope, but it’s getting so a guy can’t even bbq on his roof without attracting attention.

Stop trying to make me exfoliate. Maybe I like having 17 layers of crusty old skin on my face.

Thank you to all those people doing boring jobs with titles we don’t understand.

Her: Was your child gifted?

Me: No, we had him naturally

Hurricane Duran Duran would have only wanted to chase supermodels, wear white suits and write inane lyrics.

Client – is your boss available

Receptionist – he’s currently una –

Me – he’s been in the bathroom for almost 20 damn minutes

My milkshake won’t bring the boys to the yard but I’m betting my free wifi will.

Me: My neighbor who’s a doctor said it’s healthy to sleep nude

Friend: What type of dr?

Me: Optometrist I guess. He has lots of binoculars

*Australian accent* Notice the wife in her natural habitat shaming the male husband species into doing what she wants!

Son: When did you have your first self-own?
Me: I made fun of another kid in my class for not knowing what sex was and then I said it meant “whether you’re a girl or a boy” and everyone laughed at me
Son: No, your first CELL-PHONE

yeah not falling for this one

If Violets were Orange, poetry would be a lot more challenging.