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I think I’m a genius…. I just solved a rubiks cube so fast!
It only took me 5 minutes and 25 seconds to peel off all the stickers.
im starting to think mr peanut was the only thing holding the world together
An enterprising divorce lawyer would set up a booth on a Sunday at a cut-your-own Christmas tree farm.
I’m writing code, not making diamonds. Continuing to apply more and more pressure will not produce a better outcome.
Netflix just asked me to rate ‘Spy Kids 2’ and I clicked “I haven’t seen it” but I have. I have seen it. A lot.
hello. i am the “friend” everyone has been asking questions for online. it has been a very rough three years but im starting to feel better. thanks for all your advice.
Walked by a coworkers computer and he was just looking at a picture of a hotdog
It’s like nobody in this McDonalds has seen a guy spreading marmalade on a Big Mac before.
DISH FATHER: You can NEVER see that spoon again!
*daughter dish starts sobbing*
[outside the window, Spoon is thinking] we leave tonight
I will do some shady shit for a mocha.
Thank goodness I have DoorDash for that!
*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: It feels like you misheard the class description
Me: Why do you say that
The parrot on my shoulder: Why do you say that
Hey ladies, if you want a free pelvic exam, I suggest you try the old “gyne and dash.”
Coworker: What are those chocolate coins you guys get on Hanukkah called?
Me: Gelt.
Coworker: Guilt?
Me: No, Jews get that all year round.
I asked my waitress if she thought me eating alone was embarrassing and she said, “I work at Cheesecake Factory”
This Teenage girl gave me attitude today so I called her the “Fattest Skinny person I have ever seen” that should confuse her for a while.
Walking my 6yo out to the car and pointing at a patch of dead weeds in the yard he says, “Mom what happened to those plants?!” and I’m like “those were dead before I got here I did not kill them.”
*walks into confessional, closes door and sits down*
Me: Alright. Look alive over there, Father, I’ve had a pretty wild week…
My insurance agent just told me that I’m “high risk” to insure on account of me getting stuck in dryers on a regular basis
Me, to my dog who is throwing up at the dog park: Bro, you are being so cringe in front of your friends.
Son: What are caterpillars afraid of?
Me: It’s unlikely that they experience fear. They’re not self-aware, so…
Son: [sadly] Dogerpillars.
No, I don’t like nature. I can’t respect anything that would so flippantly turn dinosaurs into birds.
Instead of a promise ring, I wear an onion ring
I’m saving my appetite for something pure
no offense but it feels like the “cicadas that come out every 17 years” happen every single summer…
– much ado about nothing
– 2 much 2 nothing
– much ado 3: toyko drift
– much nothing
– much 5
– much ado 6
– nothing 7
I saw a hummingbird outside my kitchen window first thing this morning. Guess it forgot the lyrics.
Almost went outside without my phone and now I know what it’s like to lose your child at the mall
Wife: The kids opened the “private” drawer in my nightstand.
Me: THE drawer?
Wife: Yeah.
Great. There go our Oreos.
[during sex]
HER: I want you to make me scream
ME: *tosses spider onto her chest*
Taco Bell: Do you want hot sauce?
Me: [has entire drawers full of hot sauce packets] Yes please
wife: I want you-
me: [takes off clothes]
wife: -to do the laundry
me: [puts them in washer]