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Petition to change the “there’s a train approaching the station, please stand away from the platform edge” announcement to “oh lawd she comin”
I just got invited to a zoom baby naming ceremony. If I wasn’t a part of the baby making ceremony I don’t want to be a part of naming it.
Stupid dryer didn’t work just because I “didn’t turn it on”
So many chores, so many kids to do them for me
“The floor is larva.”
– Indiana Jones, entering the Temple of Doom
My grandfather was so racist he had a white & white television set.
Went for a drug test today in my glasses with a mask on the entire time. I could have sent someone else.
I’m being stalked by my proctologist. He won’t stop colon me.
You can’t buy gifts from a sex offender registry. I know this now.
[holding my brain upside down, shaking out its pockets] gimme your serotonin nerd
i’ve got a body like a sack of potatoes but a personality like a french fry
*guy getting eaten by a shark*
Guy: I just wanted to say I’m Vegan.
Shark, spitting him out: Wtf man. I had you in my mouth & everything.
[first day working at a movie theater]
guy: can I get one large popcorn
me: no but I can give you like a million regular popcorns
My neighbors listen to great music… whether they like it or not.
The evolutionary process has created crabs five independent times throughout the course of history. Humans are not the pinnacle of evolution. Evolution wants crabs.
Me: What is the thing you want most for your birthday?
6yo: A recorder.
Me: How about a pony instead?
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a biter” and see how it goes.
Headline: Oscars stars hit the red carpet
Red carpet: I’m so bruised.
Priest: What can I do for you son?
Me: A man ran over my dog and several hours later he died
Priest: Oh no I am so sorry
Me: The good news is my dog’s ok
True
landlord: i’m raising your rent
me: am i getting more house
Neighbor: Little early for Halloween isn’t it?
Me: *removing a skeleton from my trunk* What’s a “Halloween?”
In pretty sure my wife’s most prized possession is her plastic bag full of other plastic bags.
I went from rags to one rag.
WIFE: can you fold the clothes in the dryer?
ME: *climbing in* I can try
“Lord, can I have a pony?” Sure. Just as soon as I get a prayer from a pony asking for a little girl with no clue how to take care of it.
Keep your friends close and your friends that give away large sums of cash as a gift even closer.
You’ll never say “wrong hole” more often than when you’re trying to help a toddler put on gloves.
This guy I really hate has started his own software company. I’m a programmer. After a few months of work, I’m about to finish building a completely free version of his app; and share it everywhere.
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