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if i was a conductor of an orchestra, i would abuse my power by making them warm up to a stirring rendition of “ice, ice, baby.”
My car lease is up and I have to return it back to the dealer today, so I’m practicing jumping out of a moving car.
Watched the movie Gravity tonight. Didn’t see as much gravity as I expected. Two thumbs down based on that.
A fun prank is to search “buy antique dolls” on someone’s computer because then all their Facebook targeted ads are creepy dolls forever
“5 second rule lol.” -me, first day as a heart transplant surgeon
has anyone maybe thought to check on the mom?
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Me: Dad, how did you guys manage without WhatsApp and SMS ??
Dad: We used to keep useless information to ourselves.
I don’t understand wishing dead celebrities happy birthday. Shoutout to Mary Queen of Scots, who would be 577 today.
My dog has been sleeping on the floor right below me so if I get off the couch he knows that I’ve moved. He’s been lying there for 5 hours. We’re both dedicated to our lifestyles
If my boss suddenly revealed that he’d been Sacha Baron Cohen this whole time everything about my job would make a lot more sense
Me: Did you see that woman’s swim suit?
Husband: The tall brunette? With the black bikini? Carrying a pink bag?
Me: Yes.
Husband:
Me:
Husband: No, I did not.
Twitter is composed of all the kids who used to giggle in sex ed
When my tween pisses me off I like to blow off steam by taking my pet modem for a walk.
“Trust your gut”
the thing that can’t handle spicy foods? Okay, sure
I should have just told her she smells nice and left out the like Grandma’s pierogis part.
My friend asked if I had any “potential suiters.”
Sitting here in a petticoat, corset, twirling a parasol, drinking sweet tea, waiting…
[Robot Uprising]
Human: Oh no a robot! What kind are you?
Robot: I am a counting machine
Human: Oh thank g—
Robot: Now killing human #53822
Trying to drop kids to school on time is a great way to learn to cuss under your breath
Breakfast: “Coffee, please.”
Lunch: “Just grilled chicken over a small salad.”
Dinner: “I’ll take a wheelbarrow full of lasagna and enough chocolate to kill a horse.”
Once broke up with a girl cuz I didn’t like the way she agreed with me
Lower your expectations.
Lower yet.
Keep going.
There.
Hi, I’m Nancy!
USERS: you’re alienating the people who actually use your product
TWITTER: likes are now florps
USERS: what
TWITTER: timeline goes sideways
me: [sprinkling white ash on the ground in the shape of a pentagram]
build-a-bear employee: please don’t do that
My wife and I play this fun game at home where one of us says, “Could you watch the kids for a minute?” and runs.
You read for a part, you feel good about it, you feel confident, then they cast Ben Affleck.
After 3 disastrous surgeries I said that’s it no more pretending to be a doctor.
I couldn’t afford an engagement ring so I just poured a can of spaghettios on her hand
“Did you just elect a pope in there?” he asked as the vape cloud billowed from her car window.