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The best place on the internet is the reviews of hats for cats because every review is like “5 stars, amazing hat” and then a picture of the cat looking absolutely furious
BOSS: your productivity has been low
ME: it’s because my favorite employee is leaving the office in a week
BOSS: who?
ME: me
why’s it called Top Gun when the guns are on the bottom of the plane
Angel of Death: I have killed the firstborn of Egypt
God: Killed?! You were supposed to “thrill” them! You know, take them out for a night on the town
Angel of Death: But…but…
God: Hahaha, you should see your face. No I definitely wanted those kids dead
Doc: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in the bed.
Don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day. I repeat, don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day.
If you had to decide between being fat and rich or poor and skinny, what bridge would you sleep under?
“Yeahhhh, that’s the good stuff. Look at that color. Mmmmm, flavor off the charts. You can just serve this raw but I like to add a bit of salt” – guy on The Food Network boiling water
I finally figured out why the neighbor’s house is always so clean:
My kids don’t live there.
[courtroom]
Lawyer: If you didnt bite that surfers leg THEN WHO DID
Shark: I’m telling you idk
*whale in the audience opens a big newspaper*
Responding to an email with a question that was literally answered in the previous email should be reason enough to report someone to HR
Scurvy, resistance is fruit aisle.
My tiny son awoke with this thought, “Mommy, my dream was glitching. Why my dream was glitching?”
*scrolls Netflix for The Matrix
It’s time.
“Can you explain this gap in your resume” yeah man TV got like really good for a few years
My camera roll is 25% my kids and 75% things I couldn’t read and had to make bigger.
My body is a temple.
My mind is a comedy club.
My apartment is a landfill.
My car is a fast food restaurant.
I could do this all day.
Me: What’s the point if it’s not a little violent, dirty? I wanna feel alive. The blood makes me feel ALIVE.
Dentist: Please just floss more
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
I can never understand what our accent chair is saying.
Whenever I hear snapping, I always fear I’m walking into a battle between rival gangs from West Side Story.
Remember to recycle your pizza boxes
It’s for the Greta good
You learn something new every day.
Except yesterday. Yesterday was a washout.
used to be as a frog you could say “ribbit.” but you can’t do that anymore. because of croak
The roof of my mouth just healed from that Hot Pocket I had in 2003.
I’m trying to explain myself less often because:
*two hour explanation of why I won’t be explaining myself anymore*
And that’s why I’m gonna be explaining myself less often.
If your girlfriend says “my pyramid is late…”
Know two things:
1. Your hearing is poor
2. That’s not your biggest problem right now
When my 5yo brought home a library book called “People Don’t Bite People” I was really hoping this wasn’t a story his teacher recommended for him
My closet is like 15 shirts I plan to fit into again and 1 shirt I wear every day.
My mail carrier dressed up as a dog with a postman biting his leg is the best thing I’ve seen today.
First day as a dad
When I change its diaper is that when I oil the baby? Also where is the filter and how many quarts does it take?