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Me: is it ok if we have sex right now
Girlfriend: yes, also thanks for asking
Me: yeah consent is important, don’t u agree
Mom, also at the dinner table: absolutely, you’re such a gentleman
Getting left on read really gives me perspective on what Nigerian princes go through
and that’s why I’m fat🤭
Ghost: never eats, never sleeps, moans a lot
Vampire: sucks the life out of u
Werewolf: human w/ fits of howling
Child: all of the above
Heads up guys. It’s bloody Colin again. #DamnYouAutocorrect
Mother in law said if she was married to me, she’d poison my wine. I said if I was married to her, I’d drink it.
Me: Now that you’re in kindergarten, you’re going work on being a good citizen to your classmates. Do you know what that means?
My 5YO: Yeah like don’t swear at them and don’t punch them.
Me: … yeah, pretty much
[ 9 months BC ]
Mary: *changes Facebook status to “it’s complicated”
airports should have little side-quests available for ppl stuck in a layover
*sees baby*
*crouches down, does some cute baby talk*
*no reaction from baby*
*stands up slowly*
You’ve made a powerful enemy today, baby
I’d be really slim if it wasn’t for birthdays, anniversaries, Easter, Christmas, Mother’s Day, weekends and me.
Blackout curtains because I’ll decide what time it is.
i was having a panic attack and my friend suggested holding a rose quartz so i stopped panicking and just got angry
i get that people are lonely but making the cashier in front of me your new bff is holding up the line
Someone just wished me “Happy Holidays” and I was so offended. How DARE someone assume I’d ever want to be happy.
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
Mirror, mirror on the wall
Why so many fingerprints?
I could be in a store desperately looking for gauze to treat a knife wound and I’d still tell a clerk that approached me I was just browsing
History Channel: “Travel back to a time before human civilization..”
You mean like NOW?
Good cop “If you confess maybe we can cut you some sort of deal…”
Crab cop *walks sideways off the table*
[3 am]
toddler *steps on my face trying to sneak into the bed*
me: You are the worst ninja ever
Why can’t they use deep fake technology for good instead of evil? Like taking zoom meetings for you. Stuff like that.
Who named it “Viagra” …..
and not “Miracle Grow” ?
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
“Something in the way she doesn’t move” – necrophiliacs
[museum]
Wheres the dinosaur bone exhibit?
“through that door”
Thank you very ruff!
“What’d you say?”
*2 dogs fall out of trench coat & run*
Read the tweet above this one and then the tweet below it. People paid FORTY-FIVE DOLLARS PER SHARE FOR THIS.
Took a DNA test, turns out I’m 100% that one Asian who can’t use chopsticks.
Took my kid to the ER recently and just got two bills…one for the ER and one for the doctor we saw at the ER. Sorry, I didn’t realize there was an option to just go to the ER without seeing a doctor and just hang out.