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newspaper editor: can you do a short local weather report?
me: it’s fine by me
newspaper editor: that’s perfect, thanks!
The horror:
“Come on, I’ll introduce you to everyone”.
accidentally emailed my crush a bunch of pics of me in my karate uniform again
Me: *turns on game
Wife: *turns on vacuum
Me: *turns volume to max
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Wife: *runs vacuum slowly in front of television
Using cruise control on the highway so I can practice karate
Lifehack: Save your gently used pistachio shells to throw at weddings in lieu of expensive rice!
The worst fight I’ve ever been in is with Clingwrap.
Waiter: Any questions about the menu?
Me: Exactly how old are these ancient grains? I don’t want to eat anything that’s expired.
When I tell people I used to have a time machine a lot of them ask why I didn’t kill Hitler and I explain that my time machine broke shortly after I murdered Smithsen and when they ask who Smithsen was I always say “you’re welcome”
My german shepard doesn’t like dog food, so we have that in common.
Keanu Reeves watching a Keanu Reeves movie trying to figure out how he’s in two places at once.
Me: I think you’re going to be sick tonight.
My 9yo: *eating their fifth dinner* Why do you think that?
Shhh!
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Shhh!-Librarians arguing
My dad just found out abt the Simpson’s predicting shit and it was the longest phone convo of my life.
Wife: WHERE IS THE PACK OF HERSHEY BARS I WAS GOING TO USE FOR S’MORES
Me [mouth full, face covered in chocolate]: we wer gunna haf smors?!
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
Welcome to adulthood.
You have a favorite brand of pain reliever now.
What genius named it a “news feed” on Facebook and not “bullshit”?!
shrek the third may have not been as great as the other movies but this transition still gets me
WIFE: Stop spending money on stupid stuff
ME: Okay
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[dog walks by in a tuxedo]
ME: He’s getting married, Karen
All I want for Christmas is for Santa to drop Mulder and Scully off in NJ to sort things out.
The best thing about snow is that now my lawn looks as good as the neighbor’s.
ME: *whispering to date as symphony orchestra begins playing beethoven’s 5th* can you believe a dog wrote this
when people your age have their shit together and you have no idea what you’re doing
Me: I somersaulted down a hill yesterday, just like in the movies, it was so crazy
Angel: yes that’s why you’re here
cleared my schedule so Friday me will have a great day but Monday me is gonna be PISSED
Me: *staring at leftovers* I think I’ll save the rest of this for later.
[10 mins later]
Also me: I guess this is later enough.
It’s taken 7 years but I’m beginning to see the correlation between my kid’s hyperactivity and his sugar intake.
the inventor of archery: man i wanna stab that guy over there