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You can’t buy an umbrella. You can only inherit or steal one.
sometimes my toddler throws stuff on the floor and then shouts “OH NO” and that’s kind of like what politicians do
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
My husband would NEVER cheat on me.
He’s too lazy
I’m going to be real with you. my dinners lately are just sort of me throwing things into a pot like a witch in a cartoon
VAMPIRE HUNTER: It’s so strange…why is this one coffin turned over on its side?
ME, from inside: I don’t like sleeping on my back.
She was a fax machine
She kept her modem clean
She was the best damn printer that I’ve ever seen
Don’t mind me while I aim the remote at your face and make fast-forward button gestures.
When people say “To be honest…”, it means that up to that point they’ve been lying.
Wanna know my secret to rock hard abs? I ride the mechanical duck outside the grocery store 300 times a day.
My girlfriend’s car got stolen today, so if you see a man driving a dark green Honda Civic, PLEASE tell him I left some Skittles in there.
I saw this sign two days ago and I can’t stop thinking about ‘Worse’
I accidentally come home with a brand new car one time after taking our old one in for an oil change and all of the sudden I’m not allowed to make decisions anymore.
Laundry to do list;
□ whites
□ towels
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ darks
Doctor: You’re sick
Me: Yeah?
Doctor: *heelying away* But not sick enough
Me: Awww
OMG, shoot him with a crossbow one time and he never shuts up about it.
It wasn’t even fatal.
Date: wanna get out of here?
Me: let me just tie my shoe *realizes i don’t know how to tie my shoes* how bout another round of spaghetti
I teleported myself today. I pushed a switch button that says “Don’t touch” and the next thing I know I’m lying on this hospital bed.
My mum is visiting this weekend and she has taken the absolute best photo of the cats.
Someone please tell me this is for something other than a baby conference/infant symposium
A stranger was knocking on my door so naturally I hid, but then we locked eyes and she started knocking on my window. Thought this was common knowledge but if you’re knocking on a door and you see the person crouching under their window like an idiot turtle, no one’s home.
One of Santas reindeer served in the army with Tina Turner. Back then he was known as Private Dancer.
“We are going to Taiwan”
Juan: No, please don’t!
My son LOVES dogs and is TERRIFIED of them. Which is EXACTLY how I feel about my WIFE.
“As per my email…”
Ooh, someone’s absolutely livid.
“Should we order some plates to share” omg sure I love that! Or I could just order what I want and be so much happier but totally open to either
“To each their own”
Translation ~ one of us is right, and well… the other one is you.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I think we’ll all still be using mirrors, five years isn’t that far off
When I said I start work at 6:30 am I meant that I sit at my desk and drink coffee. I didn’t mean that I wanted you to schedule a meeting at that time I hate you now.
Remember, you can disappear into the woods whenever you want. You’re an adult.