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Man buns are just the beginning, next thing you know it’ll be ok for men to have anything on their heads, like a goat or a small child
If you don’t speak English. I’M GOING TO REPEAT EXACTLY WHAT I JUST SAID MUCH LOUDER. In hopes that you understand.
-Everyone at my job.
3 years ago I trained 6 days a week & ran a 5K. Now I run my mouth 6 days a week telling the pizza delivery guy how I ran a 5K 3 years ago.
Did you hear about the latest James Bond movie where he procrastinates about coloring his hair?
It’s called Dye Another Day
the boston alphabet is only 25 letters because they threw the t in the harbor
You had ONE job!
– insensitive greetings card for the recently laid-off.
The game? A foot.
The door? A jar.
The Fred? A stair.
BILLION DOLLAR IDEA
A giant cinnamon roll that you sleep in, that becomes warm and edible when it’s time to wake up
If sex with 3 people is a threesome and sex with 2 people is a twosome, now I understand why they call you handsome.
I’m going to change the Wi-Fi password as soon as I hear someone complain they’re bored this summer
Just painted around a ceiling fan and on the next coat I’m gonna turn the damn thing off.
Me: What time are we leaving?
Wife: In 3 or 4 hours
Me: Ok, I’ll be waiting in the car
Jared Leto’s primary preparation for his role as the Joker was changing his middle name to Stil
How many boxes of Thin Mints do I need to eat before I start seeing results?
Whenever an actor writes something out in a movie, i always wonder IS THAT THEIR REAL HANDWRITING OR ARE THEY ACTING THEIR LITTLE FINGERS OFF?
Child: Mom! You can’t go that way, it’s a one way street!
Me: Oh sweetie, that’s just a suggestion.
I had a dream I was making out with someone with really bad breath.
Judging by the look on my dog’s face, I’d say we had the same dream.
ME: Table for 7 please
WAITER: Hahahahahahaha
ME: 7-p-m. Just me
WAITER: Okay that makes more sense
Happy Friday
[Deathbed]
Gandalf: *struggling to sit up* Frodo
Frodo: yes Gandalf?
Gandalf: theres something i always wanted to say
Frodo: *tearing up at the thought of being told he is like a son to him* yes?
Gandalf: we- *dying breath* we totally could have rode the eagles the whole way
Gollum is like, “actually this is my emotional support precious.”
Me: I’m going to poop
Dog: Great I’m coming with you
I like my coffee like I like my women.
Not banging my friends.
Me: you’re like heroin.
Her: Why? Because you’re addicted to me?
Me: No, because you’re ruining my life.
St-t-t-t-top! Stamm-mm-m-m-mm-m-mer t-t-t-time!
Who called it a goose wearing a suit and not a propaganda
that’s my husband on the left and me on the right
Why don’t we just stick an “a” in there and finally start calling it what it is…. “Moanday”
me, to me: babe are you ok? you’ve hardly touched your resolutions from last year
Son: How will I know when I’ve met the perfect woman?
Me: She will usually tell you.