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I still love Rage Against the Machine
but now it’s just me fighting with my husband over his constantly malfunctioning “smart home” systems.I just want to turn off a light …
‘Trying to figure out why the police and I seem to chase the same type of guys’
When one of your kids forgets they borrowed some your clothes & wear them in front of you. That.
This box wine has subtle hints of 7-Eleven parking lot and poor decisions.
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: *is asleep
Netflix: why are you like this
[interview]
“So, what do you enjoy doing when you’re not working?”
“I enjoy going for walks, watching films and cooking”
“And your pet hates?”
“Going for walks, trips to the vets and shitting outside when it’s raining”
When I hear someone say, “chicken pot pie,” I get excited three times.
Be nice to me or I will rain down Hell upon you when I start my blog.
the word: Mildew
my brain: Mother In Law Dew
[taking pregnant wife to hospital ER]
Me: Help! My wife’s having contradictions!
Dr: Don’t you mean contractions?
Wife: Never say never
Imagine being a Cicada you been waiting 17 years for your one chance to have sex then some weirdo freakazoid fries you in butter and serves you with a side of ranch.
Judge: You have power of attorney?
Me:*curling two briefcases* Pfft. What do you think, bruh?
i just found out my husband has a hot dog counter on his phone to track his yearly intake of hot dogs
“So that pervert buys you “Grass” and then you let him play with your nipples?”
-Me telling Cows its not to late to change their life.
I put “the rap” in therapy.
Yo, yo.
Emotional baggage, bitter like cabbage. Rollin up the green like a Hulked out savage. Burger, Inc.
“I shot the sheriff but I did not shoot the deputy” is my favorite lyric about murdering law enforcement officials in moderation.
Hobby Lobby and Chick-Fil-A have one thing in common: I never go there.
ME: goodnight honey
WIFE: goodnight
EVIL BULLFROG THAT LIVES UNDER OUR BED: *angry ribbit ribbit*
BOTH OF US (in unison): goodnight evil bullfrog
*happy ribbit ribbit*
people who clap when the plane lands are insufferable i only clap when the plane takes off and whenever someone exits the restroom
This gonna be me in 2 weeks
When the world gets you down, always remember that only idiots get cheered up by cheap philosophical bullshit and you’re better than that.
Going to the dentist for a teeth cleaning. Should I put them in a fancy box or will a Ziploc baggie be ok? Also, not all of them are human teeth, some I happened upon randomly. Can I still get those cleaned? Sorry, don’t mean to be weird, I’m just excited for my first time!!
you will never know the true number of layers
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
My 3yo surprised me with a giant loving hug and then uttered those four magic words: “I did something bad”
No chill.
toddler *hands me a bag of chips*
me *opens it* *gives it back to him* *resumes showering*
Me: I get scared. I can’t explain it. It’s a weird feeling when the change happens.
Friend: They’re just transition lenses. Please calm down.
Give one 6 year old $100 for its birthday and suddenly you’re invited to every party in town…I know what I’m doing.
CLICK HERE TO SUPPORT BREAST CANCER
“okay” *click*
WHY ARE YOU SUPPORTING BREAST CANCER U MONSTER
“oh no”
[mom from other room] WTF KYLE