You Might Also Like
Want to lose weight for the Summer? Don’t worry, simply check-in your bags here. That’s 23 kilos you’ll never see again.
*takes chip clip off Funyuns bag*
*bites into Funyun, discovers it’s stale*
*throws chip clip across room*
“You had one job”!
The zombie I shot earlier may have just been a kid with chapped lips. I don’t take any chances.
ME: I’ve spent my whole life running
THERAPIST: from who you are?
ME: [thinking about that one time I threw a boomerang into a tornado] no
I gave up my aisle seat and took a middle seat so a mother and her son could sit together. It was ten minutes of feeling good about myself followed by three hours of hating a perfectly nice little boy.
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: would you like your receipt?
ME: no thank you i don’t want any proof that i’ve eaten here
Ahhh the sweet smell of Christmas
I’m trying to find my niche, and my nechphew
Nobody:
South Asians: can someone get married so I can dress up
If you find my upper lip mole sexy, wait till you see the dark spot on my MRI.
Started to watch Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny and I saw the warning that it contains tobacco depictions so I threw my TV in the street. Not in this household.
Why do I keep seeing ads for yaks on my screen when I bought mine months ago?
*Toddler grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, son.
*Husband grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, hon.
I wanted to do a random act of kindness, so I took a parking ticket off a car and threw it in the garbage. Boom ticket gone.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i don’t take u seriously
HER: yes
ME: yeah right
My wife didn’t order anything from Amazon yesterday so the UPS guy knocked on our door to see if we’re okay.
Sharing a bed should be like boxing:
• meet in middle
• fist-bump
• put in mouthguards
• go to separate corners
• no touching until 1st bell
*carves turkey
*puts candle inside and places it on doorstep
ME (undercover, approaching craps table): One crap please, my good man.
[googling]
me: [how to get wife to stop cheating]
google: it won’t stop jim
me: [please google please stop porking my wife]
google: i can give her things that you can’t
me: [we have children]
google: you sure they’re yours jim?
me: [looks down at my son, algorithm] oh god
Barbie gave me unrealistic body standards like that my head would fall off.
My wife took me to the most amazing 3D movie I had ever seen last night. Half way through it I realized: we were at a play.
Fancy dinner party invitation didn’t explicitly say NOT to wear Spider-Man costume, sheesh, everybody relax FFS
Me: ‘Alexa, set the timer for 90 minutes.’
Alexa: ‘What are we burning tonight?’
I met my wife on Tinder. She was furious.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting tiny pieces of styrofoam off my hands.
2 things I hate;
1)Hypocrites
2)and people who don’t finish anyth
Just rescued a fly from my wine and put him on a napkin to dry and he dried off and flew straight back into the glass
Just because I am an Italian American doesn’t mean my family is in the mob….
It means we used to be.