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Turning to the person next to me and saying “thanks for nothing” as I get off the train
What I say: I’m on a diet. What my mom hears: please cook delicious food and buy chocolate.
When a food fight breaks out during Thanksgiving dinner, creamed corn casserole finally reaches its full potential.
*Takes one bite from every item in the work refrigerator*
SPOUSE: I have to work late Thursday
OUTER MONOLOGUE: I am going to miss you
INNER MONOLOGUE: I am going to eat something very stupid
House Hunters:
“We want a slide, cheeseburgers, a clown.”
Realtor: Are you describing McDonalds?
“haha no”
*3 kids tumble out of trenchcoat*
My coworkers think I’m always busy but I’m really just trying to remember my password.
You’re not a real family unless you all have different names for the same dog.
We all have that one friend who returns our yacht a little too clean.
Ironically, having a child makes you swear more, not less.
An odd boast
Too bad they cancelled the Chicago Marathon I was going to run it this year
My Brain: HERE IS THAT NAME YOU ASKED FOR 6 HOURS AGO
You never know how strong you are…until your power steering goes out.
Today seems like a good day to wash my hair and take 10 selfies wearing 10 different shirts so I can pretend I look human on a regular basis
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
My husband giving me instructions as he prepares to leave town: “Don’t put the dogs in their crates today. Let them sleep on the couch.”
Me: “Why?”
Him: “That’s how they know it’s the weekend.”
I can’t stop watching this.
I bet the frankincense guy was all like, “Let’s put the three items in one gift basket and the basket can be from all of us.”
Remember the days we could get out of bed without looking like a newborn pony trying to walk?
Good times.
“Are the cops gone?”
“Yeah.”
“Thanks buddy, I owe you one.”
A Tinder app, only you hook up with the best buffets in your town
It’s hard to explain to people who love Facebook that I am not on Facebook because of the people who love Facebook.
Somedays I just love AI so much
This is my emotional support Jurassic Park Burger King watch
eating red meat increases your chances of dying by 13%. i now have a 113% chance of dying.
band: THANKS FOR COMING OUT ANY LAST REQUESTS
crowd: [shouting songs]
me: HAVE U SEEN MY KEYS
(confronts Beck in line at Jamba Juice, holds up hurried sketch of Beyonce, aggressively does “Single Ladies” dance)
