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cats are the best because you can pet one while you’re talking to someone and look totally evil
DR.: you’re going to feel a little bit of pressure. Ready?
ME: yes
DR.: your sister is younger but already has a career path & owns her home
I asked my waitress if she thought me eating alone was embarrassing and she said, “I work at Cheesecake Factory”
If I were a kidnapper, I’d drive around telling adults there’s naps in the van.
I’m the Usain Bolt of running late
Him: I gave up drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
Me: I gave up.
Drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
It’s because it’s Bring Your Daughter To Work Day, sweetie. That’s why. What Papa is doing right now is called an “autopsy”. Stop crying.
wife: you need to do more around the house
me: can you change the subject please?
wife: yes, this house needs more work done by you
Say what you want about Korn, but they really cornered the incorrectly spelled vegetable band name market.
These 3D printers are insane!
Him: don’t say anything embarrassing
Me [realizing there are no mozzarella sticks at this party]: I will punch a pregnant woman in the baby
My husband coughing the moment I got the baby to sleep is why spouses are the number one suspect in homicide cases.
Earth Day…
…another made up holiday by Big Galaxy just to sell more planets!
Hi if you have three kids you will either do dishes twice a day or you will buy 3,439 forks.
Hey Dog Walkers, technically, that dog can walk on its own. What it can’t do is pick up it’s own poop. You’re just a poop collector.
my dance moves can best be described as “did that dude just try to leap frog?” & “whoa that’s a lot of blood” & “is he still alive?”
Wait!! There’s a box??? 😂😝
Hurricane Facebook Events are back y’all
Dear diary,
Sorry for only ever talking about myself. How are you? Do you have any hobbies?
“”What if – and this sounds crazy – what if we based the look on this drawing my 3 year old made?” – Design team for Kia Soul
Whenever a tweet doesn’t do well initially I think “weird, every single person on the internet must be busy right now”
What should we call our new store?
“Will we sell pottery?”
No.
“Is it in a barn?”
No.
“Let’s go with Pottery Barn.”
Hell, I love it Carl.
No, Grandma; you can’t pull a Basic Instinct for extra potatoes at the retirement home.
Asking if judges go commando under their robes is a sure-fire way to get out of jury duty.
The key to happiness in life is to set yourself small, achievable goals.
one time when I was a kid I was in canada on canada day but didn’t realize it was canada day and I saw a mountie on stilts so I spent the next couple of years thinking canada had stilt cops
911? I’m a man trapped in a woman’s body!
“That’s not exactly an emergency.”
Oh. Huh. Ok.
*Tries door in Statue of Liberty again*
People say “you’ll ruin your appetite” like I have to be hungry to eat.
Technically, it’s only cannibalism if you eat the top half of the mermaid, your honour.
I’m sorry I dropped your baby and doubly sorry I nudged it under the crib with my foot so you wouldn’t notice.