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Me before watching a serial killer documentary: I bet this killer was so successful because of their intelligence and cunning, and not just because of the gross incompetence of local law enforcement.
Me after watching a serial killer documentary: Well, shit.
*After a dental appointment*
4: Daddy the scientist cleaned my teeth and I don’t have to brush my teeth anymore!
#IHaveJustEnoughMoneyTo pay my phone bill so I can call my credit card company to tell them I don’t have money to pay them.
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
I was going to have sex with you, but you asked what Mario Kart was and wore pants inside the pillow fort….I’m just kidding. I don’t care.
Just once I would like someone to start a slow-clap when I walk in a room. Is that so much to ask?!
I wanted to be Batman when I was a kid. So I kept leading my parents into dark alleys in the bad part of town.
me: time to hit the hay
wife: you’re going to bed?
me: no i just really *clenches fists* hate hay
The guy who drills the holes so you can assemble IKEA furniture is clearly having problems at home.
Goldfish 911: What’s ur emergency?
Goldfish: I forgot
Goldfish 911: Forgot what?
Goldfish: WHO IS THIS?
Goldfish 911: I DON’T KNOW
I like telling people to “grow up” because even if they hate me I can visit them ten years later and say “Took my advice I see”
Prank your dog by loosening his collar a bit everyday and googling “shrinking dog syndrome” while he’s on your lap
wife: What happened to your face!? Did you get in a fight?
[flashback to me trying to buckle my toddler in his car seat]
me: Yes
Thunder!
Or did you eat the vending machine egg salad again?
Who called it a “Brazilian wax” and not “another way to skin the cat?
Wife: You never listen to me
Me: Of course I do[2 hrs later]
Neighbor: Is your wife home?
Me: No, she took the car to get waxed in Brazil
Listen, frozen meal instructions, never in the history of owning microwaves have I known the wattage of any microwave
I could join a gym, but I prefer to work out at home because I can use the treadmill cups for chips and salsa
Def Leppard: “Pour some sugar on me. Ooh, in the name of love”
Def Leppard’s Mom: “Just great! Now we’re going to have ants!”
doctor who has a passion for magic, during a colonoscopy: is this your card?
Candy is dandy but Heather wears leather.
You were all Pluto’s not even a planet and now you’re watching it from your space car all slow and creepy like. Jerk.
An ATM has surveillance footage of me feeding it Kraft Singles, so there’s that.
I’m keeping an eye on the cult headquarters, call that compound interest
Hotel room coffee is still better than that whole relationship with you
See ya later, alligator.
After a while, crocodile.
Catch ya mañana, little iguana.
TV chef warns against “over vegetablizing” a sandwich. I lean in closely, hoping he’s also against “under buttering” everything else.
There is far less use of the pogo stick as a mode of transportation than I imagined when I was 10.
Ordering a meat lover’s pizza is too much commitment for me. I could definitely do a meat liker’s pizza.
Or a meat “lets not ruin this by putting labels on it” pizza.
The amount of things I charge in the evening is why I’ll be the first to go in next apocalypse