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I sprung into action when a coworker was choking during lunch. I moved him into the next room, so I could eat in peace and quiet
how do i get recruited by a cult i need some direction in my life
Thanks for wishing me a Happy Monday, you’ve changed my entire outlook. I don’t hate Monday anymore. I hate you. Happy New Sworn Enemy.
I ate a tomato slice off the carpet. And some lettuce. And some bleu cheese bits. And mushrooms. I’m saying I dropped my salad on the floor.
It snowed for christmas. That’s something that never happens in the south.
We are also without power.
Santa will be getting cookie dough.
My decision to have kids was based solely on the fact that I was so tired of seeing movies in their entirety & craved constant interruption.
[about to be murdered]
Oh thank god. I was literally having THE. WORST. DAY.
Ughhhh my neck is killing me ..
*how I slept
I wanna rock and roll for 20 minutes tops and party for as long as it takes to seem normal before leaving without saying goodbye to anyone
You: Hold my beer.
Me: *drinks it because I’m not a table*
when hoodie season starts don’t ask me if i’m wearing anything under because this is what imma do
(God creating coyotes)
God: Make them look like dogs.
Angel: Exactly like dogs?
God: But with a meth problem.
Me: *trying to handle work crisis before I’m fully awake, phone binging with apology texts from various people*
Person on phone: I’m so sorry this landed in your lap. I missed it. They missed it. We all missed it. Now it’s your problem and…Are you…did you just…growl at me?
If you end calls with telemarketers by saying “OK love you bye,” they put you on their Do Not Call list.
Actor: How would you rate my ability to take direction?
Director: Below average.
Actor: *bellows* AVERAGE!!!
never vacuuming so i don’t disrupt my carpet’s natural micro biome
Waiter: How would you like your Martini, Sir?
007: Shaken…
Andre 3000: Like a Polaroid picture
Set my alarm for 2 am to go into my son’s room and tell him it’s raining to repay the favor he let me know this morning.
Never thought I’d be THAT person, but here I am, 40 years old, wondering why the hell my neighbor’s kid has friends over OUTSIDE at 10 pm on a school night. And you better believe I looked up the noise regulations in our area.
To impress the guys I told them I was dating an artist. I didn’t tell them her preferred medium was sandwiches.
True story 🤣
this isn’t as bad as i thought it was going to be.
-my 12yo complimenting dinner
How in the hell do people lose their children in a mall?
Seriously, any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
Her: I want you to wreck my guts
Me: *undercooks her chicken*
Don’t bring a knife to a gunfight. In fact don’t go to a gunfight, what is wrong with you
accidentally said “you too” when the waiter told me to enjoy my meal so he sat down with me and we had a very pleasant evening
If I’m “supposed to” shave my knees then why are they shaped like that ? Exactly
[on date]
HER: What are you doing on your phone?
ME: An update
HER: What update?
ME: Not much, what up with you?
ATTENTION:
Die Hard is not a Christmas movie. It’s the BEST Christmas movie.
Case closed.