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Breaking news:
No One:
My Family: Please check the menu of this restaurant we’re going to eat at in six months and let us know what you want.
Her: I just programmed all of my friends into my new cell phone.
Me: Wow, it holds three whole numbers?
Her: I like how you did your hair today. Me: OMG thank you, I passed out in my closet last night.
Me: hey girl r u an earthquake
Her: aw bc I rock ur world?
Me: no bc your unpredictability threatens the entire foundation of my existence
A garlic dill pickle is not for the unprepared. First, do you carry a toothbrush in your purse?
Doc: have you been displaying any symptoms of vampirism?
Me: I’ve been..
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: Coffin.
Doc: get out
My son’s superpower is to turn 1 cracker into 10 lbs of crumbs
My dog crosses her paws regally while lying on the floor, like she didn’t just eat the contents of the bathroom trash can.
Seriously, ladies. If you just stop sleeping with douchebags eventually their species will go extinct. Look at the big picture here.
Me: We were supposed share that bag of chips.
Her: It was mostly air.
Me:
Her: I saved you that part.
Walking home and massively drunk after a rubbish party, my life not the best it’s ever been, when a dog barked at me from someone’s garden, I barked back and ended up in a blazing row with it, all in dog language. God knows what its owners must’ve thought.
Feeling authoritative. Gonna comment “behave yourself” under pictures of people just having a good time.
Reality show idea: an aggressive, Gordon Ramsay-esque plant expert goes to the homes of black thumbed individuals & insults them & flips over pots of soil & comes back 3 months later to see if they have made any plant progress.
Stop.
To save money, instead of going to the club, I just get drunk at home and yell “what?” into a mirror over and over.
So much focus on the gold silver and bronze! What about the fourth place finisher? Sorry about that 1/200th of a second. Here’s a cheese sandwich.
Me: Wait, you think I’m a slow learner?
Wife: (two years earlier) Why are you such a slow learner?
…and when you saw 3 sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when it took the entire Holy Trinity to carry you after all those piña coladas.
cop: know why I pulled you over?
fortune teller: well let’s just see (flips over tarot card that shows a skeleton in a car doing 45 in a 35) ah frick
my husband and I got into an argument because he says I waste money so as an act of apology I bought him a penguin
this is the best day of my life
Me: *In kitchen loudly eating carrots.
Dog: *Asleep in bedroom
Me: *In pantry, munching on Oreos.
Dog: *Loudly snoring in bedroom
Me: *Opens fridge, looks at steak.
Dog: *Already sitting expectantly next to me.
I’ve always wanted to walk into a large room and be the most beautiful woman in there. But I’m scared of Walmarts 🙁
Im telling you. If you turn around for even one second, your toddler will take a swig of your wine.
Sorry I’m late, my toddler declared independence.
[Raiding ISIS Safehouse]
Green leader: Area secured. Over
Me: Apple Turn. Over
GL: Wha
Me: Extreme make. Over
GL: Take that guy out too
*wins $1000*
To claim your prize, create an account and password.
Ugh this will take forever, nevermind.
Am I flattered when a man hits on me? Yes, but I also saw that same man whispering sweet nothings to a piece of pecan pie the other day, so not too flattered.
She took one of the many decoy hoodies that I leave strategically around my place. She never even came close to my true inventory.