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the hulk is green because he’s not ripe yet
*makes sandwich*
*sits down to eat it*
*sees dog staring at me*
*rips off small piece*
*gives her the rest*
Telling her you’re a magician is tricky business. First, tell her you’re a puppeteer. Watch her face drop then say, “just joking.”
NOW tell her you’re a magician.
My niece calls me her ankle. I call her my knees.
We are a joint family.
If the Powerball has taught me anything, it’s how to turn $200 into $4.
A cashier could hand me a receipt & say “go online and fill out the survey and in a week they’ll deposit $10M into your bank account” and I still wouldn’t take the damn survey.
Me: WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Funeral attendees:
Me (whispering): Grandma back.
Me: I’m really struggling with this potty training.
Friend: How old is your kid?
Me: Kid?
I wonder if my bank account thinks about me and has panic attacks.
wife: Can we get a kids menu?
waitress *brings one*
wife
me
wife
me [already doing the maze]
wife: Can we get 2 kids menus?
Him: “Do you want to cuddle?”
Me: “Yeah, let me call the dog.”
Me: Well, this calls for a celebration *cracks open beer*
Wife: …you took out the trash
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty?
Owl Sanctuary
It was the best of times, it was the end of sentence structure
I like my men how I like my cheesecake, rich and straight to my behind.
Don’t ever look away from a police officer. Just stare him down. You don’t wanna look suspicious.
My dad left to get a pack of cigarettes 30 years ago and still hasn’t come back. That’s why I never started smoking. I just don’t have the time.
If you drink 6 RedBulls in less than an hour, they’re not allowed to arrest you for stealing a bus. Read the can if you don’t believe me.
I wish I could re-enact the fantasy scenes from 50 shades of grey. Like the one where she gets a job right after college
Back to the Future but it’s just me trying to break my parents up at the school dance
BARBER: *finishes cutting my hair*
ME: perfect, thanks
BARBER: *holds mirror up to the back of my head*
VOLDEMORT: yep, that’s great
I’ve accidentally called someone on IG messenger before and my reaction was the same as if I had just been caught shoplifting.
i order my girl scout cookies from several different girl scouts so nobody has a full count of the boxes i’ve eaten i don’t have time for that negativity it’s cookie season goddammit
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
Like a hot-air balloon ride above manure mountain I am over this shit and slightly unstable
I was reading to my kids today and in the story, there was a pregnant woman.
My 3 year-old asked, “What happened to her belly?”
I replied, “There’s a baby in there.”
3 was horrified; “She ate a baby?!”
Sensing a good opportunity, I said “Yes.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
I bet most people learn their neighbor kid’s name not by proper introduction, but by the parents yelling it in a loud voice over & over.