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me: i’m sad about this thing
therapist: but it’s not about that thing
me: ok thx here’s $175
We’ve been having a problem here at work with guys spending too.much time in the restrooms. Not to get out if work but because the air conditioning in there is fantastic.
-tweet sent from stall #3
Why doesn’t my new white noise, sound machine have a setting for “biology teacher rambling on about photosynthesis” in an overly warm classroom on a Thursday afternoon?
I’d pay extra for that one.
Missing those days when “hemorrhoids” was just a challenging word to spell.
mario: one-a margherita pizza with-a fresh mozzarella
wario: one-a wargherita pizza with-a fresh wozzarella
[A giraffe walks into a scarf shop]
*The managers eyes turn into dollar signs*
trying to carry a pet to bed is like moving a dense liquid that’s annoyed by you
Teacher: Thanks getting here at such short notice. It’s about your son.
Me: Clive? What’s he done?
Teacher: Well, he said to another boy in class that “My dad could beat up your dad” and-
Me: What is going on?
Teacher: We are going to find out. This is Mr Smith.
Set my alarm for 2 am to go into my son’s room and tell him it’s raining to repay the favor he let me know this morning.
I am not emotionally unavailable I’m trying to get my new scissors out of the package.
Congratulations to the people who never took their Christmas decorations down you’re almost there
Moment of silence for those who received mugs that aren’t microwave and dishwasher safe
They’re calling the Patriot thing “Deflategate?” I was hoping they’d go with “Ball-o-caust.”
I love lifting but it’s so embarrassing that I’ve become a gym bro like, my parents told me I’m gonna hurt myself lifting and drinking preworkout and I was like “well I’d rather die as a lion than live as a sheep.” Wtf? I need to shut up like who do I think I am
There’s a bounce house at the bail bondsman’s office. There’s curiosity in my mind.
Colleagues who feel the need to say “You either love me or hate me!” are oblivious to the fact that it’s always the latter.
Every time I think I’m failing as a parent my daughters are there to agree.
Yeah? Well the Bible also tells us that abstinence isn’t 100% effective, Mary.
*escorted from Starbucks
I SWEAR, I LEFT MY SCARF IN THE CAR!
there is no need for awkward apologies if you walk in on someone and they’re naked, just say “haha saw your doodle” and walk off. simples
Spray deodorants love to be like LEAVES NO TRACE!!! INVISIBLE!!!! NO MARKS and then the small print is like “only if the rest of your body also happens to be made of white powder
My girlfriend said Valentine’s Day is really important to her so I can’t wait to see what she has planned for us
I’m gonna get full size candy bars and hand them out to just one member of each group on Halloween to create division amongst the children
Me: *reciting passage from The Satanic Bible*
Them: You idiot, what have you done? You WOKE the devil!
Lucifer: Intestines are just water slides for your poop
Who decided to call them “wedding vows” instead of “veiled threats”?
Me: I’m exhausted. Please just go to sleep.
Brain: K
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain:
Me: *almost asleep, drooling a little*
Brain: HOW WOULD YOU EVEN DANCE IF YOUR FEET ARE LOOSE
My 4yo refers to any time in the past as ‘last years ago’ which is about as accurate as when I say ‘the other day’.
The only time I ever make a good call is when I order pizza
In every scary movie an entity is always coming through a “doorway”.
I’m just sitting here waiting for a dope demon to come through a 90’s bead curtain.