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I’ve waited and prepared my whole life for an end of the world scenario
[gets killed and eaten in the first 10 minutes]
If the salesman doesn’t come with me on the test drive, I just take the car home and wait for them to come get it. I have so many cars now.
I just bought a couple of Christmas presents and got a text from my bank like, “Bro, what are you doing?”
In space, no one can hear…
I guess a good thing that would happen to me if the zombie apocalypse ever occurred is that I’d finally start running
People are writing condolences on my Grandma’s Facebook that sound more like Yelp reviews of her. Great woman, very loving, 5/5 stars
Date: You seem close to your mom
Me: I am
Mom: It is a small table for 3
I refuse to believe Augustus Gloop wouldn’t have at least TRIED to gnaw on an Oompa Loompa in the “everything is edible” room.
Me: I’m so lonely.
ChatGPT: *looking at virtual watch* wow look at the time I need to be somewhere.
netflix 2 days after a new show comes out: “the show has already been watched for one trillion minutes, making it the most successful entertainment property in human history, which is why we’re sharing the news with a heavy heart that it has not been renewed for a second season”
To avoid another embarrassing moment like when I was stood up on prom night, I always keep at least 1 penguin around.
my powerpoints are getting increasingly desperate as the semester goes on
Grand Theft Auto reminds me of Florida. Except one lets you shoot people without consequence and the other is a video game.
Boss: why’d you leave early?
Me: you said cease the day
Boss: yes I said seize the day
Me:
Boss:
My bike just got a flat tire, or, as they say in England, my bike just got an apartment tire
It’s actually the voices outside my head that irritate me the most.
Probably my favorite thing to do for fun is be 25 years younger
“I can’t fall asleep… I think it’s because I’m talking”
– my 5yo, at 3am, not wrong
If I can only taste 999 islands I’m sending this dressing back.
I was wondering why I wasn’t picking up any chicks recently, but then I realized my Monster energy sticker fell off my car
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years.
Me: February probably.
[cats at shelter]
Where’s Frank?
“Got adopted 3 weeks ago. Gone soft too. Healthcare plan. Hypoallergenic blanket. Goes by Mr. Boots now.”
I hope you don’t feel as bloated as you look.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
the first thing you learn to draw in art school is money from your parents bank account
“Have them press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“Are they still there?”
“Give them 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
My swear jar has cards in it you take out and scream whatever’s written on them.
[slides $5 to paramedic]
Me: maybe it takes us too long to get to the hospital & maybe I don’t make it
When I was a teen, my parents talked to me about safe sex. I’m having the same talk with them about the Reply All button.
Oh baby, were not going to need a ‘do not disturb’ sign. We’re going to need a ‘please don’t call the police were fine’ sign.