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Me: Mmm these are so good! They just melt in your mouth
Cook: Those are ice cubes
Me: Delicious. How are they prepared?
me: i’m sorry your honor i only stole to get back my beloved childhood toy.
judge: [tearing up] that’s beautiful what was the toy.
me: [sniffling] a huge pile of money.
My daughter’s boyfriend left his wallet here. I put girls names & numbers in it. Later today I’ll ask my daughter if he has change for a $20
All my friends are mad at Neil Tyson for saying that The Chipmunks probably couldn’t happen in reality because their lungs would explode from singing notes written for the human diaphragm.
I had a dream I was making out with someone with really bad breath.
Judging by the look on my dog’s face, I’d say we had the same dream.
Me in my 20’s: Gotta steal this grocery cart so I can ride down a hill wasted
Me in my 30’s: Gotta steal one of these nice hotel hangers that also hold slacks
Currently on minute 137 of Easy~Bake Oven cupcakes. I’ll be live Tweeting their status as they crisp up over the next day or two.
Does beer think about me too?
Stop pissing me off or I’ll marry you
Cop: have you been drinking?
Stork: no
Cop: please step out of the vehicle and stand on one leg
Stork: you have no idea who you’re dealing with
Me: What kind of tools do I need to make a cake?
Him: The fact that you’re calling ingredients tools means u shouldnt be in charge of this.
please dont announce your new job. im on twitter trying to have a good time and to spread misinformation
FBI AGENT: [lifting crime scene tape and walking in] dale howard, fbi
ME: [following him] bob vulfov, looking for a bathroom
I wouldn’t know what to do with a member even if I caught one
Sleep is basically free drugs, so people who think you need less sleep are narcs
never compromise your values
[watching Boogie Nights]
age 19: OMG Rollergirl is sexy.
age 37: OMG wearing rollerskates during sex is dangerous. How is she still alive?
me: I plead the 3rd
lawyer: the third amendment is you can’t be forced to quarter soldiers. the fifth is you can’t be compelled to act as witness against yourself. did you mean the fifth?
me: I mean I kinda don’t want to have to do either
Sober or not if the police ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
It’s okay to have a favorite child, especially if one of your kids is great at baking.
Let’s find out what pisses the crickets off and do THAT during the day
One time I microwaved my lunch at work and my coworker said “That smells spicy! What is that–is that salt?” And when I was speechless she followed up with “Is it pepper?”
If you took a billionaire’s money away, they would just earn it back again. Cream rises to the top.
I’m so confident about this, I think we should prove it by taking all the billionaires’ money away.
If he has other girls who make him smile, be different and make him cry.
Me: [missing for 24hrs]
Wife: huh, wonder where he is
Son: been quiet
Daughter: has he been gone?
Guy Who Owns Liquor Store Down The Street: [bursts in thru front door] OMG IS GRANT OK
No one wants to talk about Dracula’s defining quality, turning into thousands of bats to avoid human contact.
her: the limit on tacos is 6 per person, sir
me: can i get 7
her: no
me: 8
her: no
me: 9
her: no
me: 10
her: you can’t do this forever
me: are you even familiar with numbers
her: yes?
me: 11
Told my 8yo he had to go outside and play for awhile before he was allowed to play more playstation
He refused because, “That’s bribery, Dad!” 😂
I like to think of myself as a guy who doesn’t scare too easily but I just beat the shit out of a motion activated air freshener.