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*leans in for a kiss*
DENTIST: stop that
*watching The Revenant*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*Him: What are you doing?
Me: Taking notes for when I fight a bear.
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would just have two dinners.
If you try to rip somebody’s head off, I suggest you train for it first. If you don’t succeed it makes the following few minutes awkward.
[assembling baby’s cot]
Wife: take that bit off
Me [reluctantly removing the machine gun turret]: so anyone can just walk in here then
When I die i’m donating half my body to science and half my body to a magician
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE?” – guy that just got a new kite for his birthday
Me: So, other than the slow start, not engaging with the readers, a meandering plot, an absence of a POV, and wooden dialogue, you think it’ll be a best seller?
Editor: No, that’s not what I’m saying.
Actually, until you cut into it it’s chocolate *magma* cake. If you could just bring me a menu with the proper nomenclature that’d be great.
[ark]
SHEM:It’s full
NOAH:Full?
SHEM:Ya the whales took up alot of space
NOAH:The w- {pinching bridge of nose} Go clean the elephant pen
Would like to be a man who dies with his boots on, but knowing my luck it will be a day I chose to wear socks with a pair of Crocs and my friends will have fun with that.
#AnAutumnAtrocity
New fall boots. 😆😆
Sorry I yelled “SURPRISE!” when you caught me in bed with your husband.
I was unaware that you don’t like surprises.
Her: Why is that expression on your face?
Me: I’m trying to remember your name.
Her: It’s Kelly.
Me: No that’s not it.
It’s not an octopus. It’s a water spider. And yes, so called “marine biologist”, if you live in the ocean you swallow 8 of them every year.
My favourite part of football is when they feed the players water like they’re hamsters
When my daughter asked who I was listening to and I said Eminem and she asked if he is white and I said yes and she said the green ones are best is how I know she’ll change the world.
[First date]
Me: So what do you do?
Him: I’m an astronomer.
Me: [trying to impress] *moons him*
Him: You’re not like other girls
Me: [foghorn sound]
[Court]
Me *taking the witness stand*
Judge: Hey, put that back!
There’s a seagull standing near the people waiting for the grocery store to open, and I kind of want to see where this goes.
me: jesus, all i have in the cupboard is two tins of tuna fish, an expired box of jello, and egg noodles
1950’s cookbook author’s ghost, calling from hell: well well well, not so high and mighty now, are we?
The problem with finding people who accept me for who I am is that I question their judgment
I bet nobody noticed Superman flying around at first, so Clark just started pointing out every bird and plane until it caught on
The Wolf of Wall Street.
My graphics card. The graphics.
card I need to
play Tekken 8
At work, I secretly make decaf coffee in the regular pot to keep all of my coworkers working at my pace.
He’s dead, Jim. Bought the farm. Bit the pita. Shanked the llama. He’s a shit piñata. He’s gone elf. Dropped the fudgsicle. No more potatoes
Hubby has an alarm app where you can record your own sounds or music to wake up to. I just changed his to “THE HOUSE IS ON FIRE!!!”
Is it “nemesis” or “nemeses”? I’m renewing my wedding vows.