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I told my family we’re gonna axe some of our 5 streaming services, and my teens looked at me like I was some kind of murderer.
Apparently it’s “not normal” to ask a guy his blood type or how healthy his organs are
Married people upset because their TC’s “cheated” on them is the real matrix.
Star Wars (1st draft)
Obi Wan: These aren’t the droids you’re looking for
Stormtrooper: Yes they are
OW: No they’re nooot
S: Uh YAH they are
Suez Canal: what the hell?
container ship: PARKOUR!
I Photoshop paddington into a movie or TV show until I forget: Day 520
Cashier: Will you be paying with credit card, Apple Pay, Google Pay, Tap To Pay, fruit, nuts, or the blood of a tiger?
Me: *hands cash*
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s kinda like a drink but with lumps in it”.
My goal is to have this whole hand washing thing mastered before they decide to remove the instructions.
I love my in laws but sometimes it’s hard with the language barrier, like today they said they were taking the kids all day and I thought they meant they were taking the kids all day
A 2-hour movie called “Can You Watch My Kid For Like 15 Minutes?”
My wife complains that she has a big ass, I just wish she would stop pointing at me when she says it.
Just thought of way to discourage teenage smoking. Instead of saying “Cancer” on boxes replace it with the word “Acne”.
God: got bears?
Noah: Yup
God: got birds?
Noah: Ya
God: Unicorns?
Noah: Um… the bears ate them
God: WHAT
Noah: IT’S A LOGISTICAL NIGHTMARE
Much like the giant panda and the snow leopard, the 20-something white girl without a wrist tattoo is now an endangered species.
me: we should have a housewarming party
dad: [moving to block the thermostat] a what now
The lady beside me at the airport just pulled out a whole block of marble cheese and started gnawing on it. Frankly, my emotions are mixed
i used to store stuff in my bra bc i hated carrying a purse. this one time i was making out with a guy n he unhooked my bra and a bunch of shit clunked onto the floor. he stopped and was like “what is that?” and i was like “don’t worry about it” and he was like “is that a knife?”
My Dog: *quiet, with his ears folded like little fortune cookies*
Me: WHAT DID YOU DO
You: Wow, check out that cool dog
Your friend who is also an algorithm: Do you want to buy a dog? View the top ten reasons dogs are better than cats. What is the nicest dog to get? See what veterinarians say. Dog breeders in your area
Started to watch Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny and I saw the warning that it contains tobacco depictions so I threw my TV in the street. Not in this household.
Paranormal Activity would be more unsettling if the room started messy and the ghost cleaned it
All I’m saying is if you really want someone to dance with you, you probably shouldn’t tell them to shut up.
In Hell you have to drive with balloons in the car and you have to put them in the car with the doors open.
Going to pronounce fecal like decal
Text your dad “egg salad sandwich” four times in one day. He’ll probably think his phone is broken.
Goose down pillows are great until a feather pokes you in the face. 🤣
10 years of ninja training, and now all I use it for is to quietly unwrap candies when the kids are in the other room.
What kind of monster makes ultrathin cheese slices?
How do you ask a friend if she’s a human-reptile hybrid, but as a compliment? She never sweats and that’s for sure a third eyelid.