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“just great, I’ve lost my house my wife is leaving and my kids hate me how can this day get any worse”
-A dinosaur, 66 million years ago
I told my kids I’d rather they “pull the plug” than let me live in a vegetative state dependent on machines.
So they hid my phone charger.
He lifts up my shirt only to have a full serving of broccoli fall out, steamed to perfection
“What state are we in now?”
-kids, 5 minutes into a 15-hour road trip
Kid: Can I eat candy for breakfast?
Me: No of course not! Now finish your donuts.
Dog Teacher: did you finish your homework
Dog Student: (still chewing) almost
me: “im confused, run that by me again”
doctor: “you do not need to bring your cat to the hospital, that’s just what we call the machine”
[first date]
me: [don’t let her know you’re a microwave]
her: my food is a bit cold
me: [my head starts slowly rotating]
Proper labeling of axes is absolutely crucial.
[someone says a word I’ve never heard before]
Me: *nods in agreement*
*dancing with the stars*
*all of a sudden there’s a fault in our stars*
me(to stars): what the hell guys? we practiced this!
*star wars*
[What I think he saw]
Me, seductively sucking and licking my index finger in a flirtatious way.
[What he actually saw]
Me, gagging and drooling while fishing a popcorn kernel off the back of my throat.
Don’t you hate when you’re an astronaut and someone opens the hatch to go into space and you’re like, “nooooo, all my air guitars!”
Judge: Did you commit murder?
Me: I’m a man. I’m afraid of commitment.
Judge: hahaha!
Me: hahaha!
Judge: Life.
Can you say your strengths?
“Your strengths”
No like what are they
“My legs maybe”
No, like for work
“Oh lol sorry, idk prob communication”
I need to become a boxer. I mean, I hate fighting but love wearing shorts with superfluous fringe
Dudes named Chance never had one.
Had chicken and egg for dinner because I wanted to eat the whole family.
I assume the #1 reason people change their identity is b/c they answered “You too” when the barista said “Enjoy your bagel.”
*Shakes wife awake
“Honey. I’ve done it. I’ve invented a time machine!”
Wife:Omg kill Hitler!
“What? It’s a time machine: it tells time.”
(At a restaurant) 11: What if I ordered a Jack Daniel’s at the bar?
Me: You’d finally go to bed on time.
When you put it that way… 😂
Leftovers implies the existence of rightovers and if you‘ve got extra mac & cheese I’ll be right over.
“Bear with me”
-A Russian bear trainer
The trick to taking your toddler to a movie is making sure there is another toddler in the theatre who is behaving worse.
ME: I fear the number six.
THERAPIST: That’s odd.
ME: It’s even actually, but you’re a therapist not a mathematician.
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[Reply]
OMG DAD WAT?
[Text]
Hi
Me: What are you up to?
Her: I’m making Chinese.
Me: Cloning’s unethical. Hahaha just kidding. Make me a math tutor.
The Turkey took our temperature before he would come out of the oven!!!
It’s been 5 years now. I’m afraid that I actually might not be bloated.