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COP: pull over
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
I’m at that age where I’m not only invisible but people think my cart is haunted when I go grocery shopping
accidentally got hired at a bakery today. came in for a cinnamon roll during rush hour and left 4 hours later with a dozen donuts and $60 cash. not really sure what happened in between those two events. i believe my life is a video game
You’re telling me I’m paying nyc rent prices just to be on the same tectonic plate as Philly and Boston? I’m feeling sick
We must all do our part for the planet. The other day I unplugged a row of electric cars nobody was using.
A life lesson we could all learn from my doggie:
Do NOT pee too close to the cactus.
The lifeboat dilemma: the guy everyone wants to kill isn’t the one they want to eat.
Chef 1: You can’t serve cake for breakfast, moms won’t allow it.
Chef 2: What if we fry it in a pan & pour syrup all over it?
1: GENIUS!
I’m watching a lot of videos about ancient Rome and one thing that kills me every time is one historical figure getting mad at another and having to sustain that anger for several months as they travel across Italy to confront them
Well if this doesn’t sum up 2024 perfectly I don’t know what does
Monday, why can’t you be more like Tuesday and have tacos
Some people say they don’t know what to do with their hands in pictures.
I still haven’t figured out what to do with my face.
[dinner theater]
Me: babe relax it’s just a play it’s supposed to be fun
Waiter: *winks* table or booth
Abe Lincoln, reincarnated: OK WHAT THE HELL
I love these 90-minute department meetings. It’s like a thrilling live performance of an email
Lost my first follower today. Funeral is Tuesday. Will be live tweeting. It’s what he would have wanted.
[kung fu fight]
“Your tiger claw is no match for my crane.”
*starts lifting heavy building materials*
Jesus probably figured things out when everyone kept calling it the Last Supper.
A cartoon by Sam Gross from 1998, in honor of our 90th Anniversary Book of Cartoons:
Leo: They say the best revenge is living well, when in fact the best revenge is living IN a well and poisoning your enemy’s water supply with your foul presence.
I don’t always drink tequila but when I do, where the hell are my clothes?
[hours after first date]
HER: *on phone* yeah i went on the date but he was creepy.
*i’m just sitting outside her bedroom window in shock*
Anyone who says living well is the best revenge has clearly never relocated a bat colony while their enemy was at work.
I bet Lance Armstrong is smugly saying “at least I didn’t kill anybody” to like every person he sees today.
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
[lost at sea]
Me: *sees giant shark* yeah, we’re gonna –Movie nerd: NEED A BIGGER BOAT?!
Me: – die.
I approach.
“Girl are you a couch? Cuz I’m gonna try & fail to pick you up.”
She laughs. “I’m Jen.”
My training hasn’t prepared me for this.
911: what’s your emergency?
me: what’s YOUR emergency?
911: *starts crying* omg no one’s ever asked me that before!
me: jk I’ve been stabbed
Judge: you’ve been charged with assault
Batman: you mean battery
Judge: no it was physical assault
Batman: *whispers* batsault
Me: this is bullshit. conditioner and shampoo in one? impossible
Walmart employee who I have in a headlock: sir I didn’t make the shampoo