You Might Also Like
If I ever met a Space Alien, I’d resist shaking its extended appendage, not knowing for sure the details of alien anatomy.
ME: Mint choc chip ice cream, pls. I got my own cone [places it on counter]
EMPLOYEE: This is a traffic cone?
ME: You must be new here.
what the hell pray for carter everyone
me: my fish is very dry
waiter: yes, we had to take him out of the water
me: smart
*showing my kids bobsledding clips*
My 5yo: *matter of factly* They should all be screaming.
to someone with x-ray vision two people making out look like skeletons that are really bad at eating each other
whenever i watch the tv show Friends, i imagine im the seventh friend, Dirk, who just stays home while all his friends do stuff without him
I want my headstone to read “loving wife, evil dictator”.
got bored and went to Home Depot wearing an orange apron to see how good i am at making up answers to peoples home repair questions
Why can’t mirrors be nicer
I’m a big Kate Bush fan, and thanks to her I’ve just discovered a fascinating historical drama series called Stranger Things, all about youngsters in America a long time ago.
[Forest]
GF: Oh god it’s a bear!Me: *Stuffs socks down front of pants*
GF: What are you doing?
Me: Making myself look big
Bear: Well hi
We grew up so poor we could only play duck duck.
When I was younger, I always wanted to become a Gregorian monk.
Unfortunately, I never had the chants
So we were deep in conversation about the state of political affairs, when the dog mentioned I might have taken too much cough syrup. Touché
Wear only a towel around your waist and you can get into just about anywhere if you just repeat “so sorry so sorry” and keep moving forward.
Does your life really flash before your eyes or is it just your brain closing all open tabs one last time
Therapist: what’s your biggest issue with your husband?
Wife: he gives me no privacy
Me: [tapping on window from outside] that’s not true
1997: *waits 5 minutes for dial-up internet connection*
2017: MY CAR’S VOICE DOES NOT PLEASE ME
Dear future self,
No, you weren’t robbed. You left your house like this.
Sincerely,
You, you dumb slob.
When I was a medical student, another med student asked, “Why are we admitting this guy to psychiatry for hearing voices? Everyone hears voices all the time.”
I think about this a lot.
*slowly slides PBJ under seat*
Saw a deer standing beside the highway this morning watching the traffic go by.Guess he was trying to figure out who’s day he wanted to ruin
My 4yo just told his fish that he “needs a little space.” Dude, just step away from the tank.
If you turn the ceiling fan on high enough, you don’t have to sweep.
Two heads aren’t better than one if you’re both stupid.
Sure I get excited when he unzips his pants. I’m pretending it’s the sound of his body bag.
Dad-confession: it took me two pulls to get the mower started today. No one saw it, but I feel I’ve gotta be honest and accountable to all of you when I fall short.
Why do New Yorkers constantly think New York is the only place that has things?
