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Silly me thought that doggy poop bags were designed to open
Me: [watching football]
Wife: [silently reading a book for three quarters of the game]
Announcer: That was a huge sack!
Wife: BAHAHAHA HUGE SACK
i’m so bad at rock-paper-scissors, last time i accidently joined a street gang.
worst time to be eaten by wolves is obviously the full moon. usually when something bites you, you can at least say “that sucked, but i know what did it. heres the situation.” full moon wolf bite? you’ve gotta be wondering “this could’ve been a guy named derek.” humiliating.
I like to put a banana in a string of hahahahahahahahaha ‘s
No one notices, I dont know why I bother.
hahahabananahahaha
Therapist: Are you two still romantic?
Me: I left him a heart made of post-it notes on the bathroom mirror last week.
Husband: There were chores written on all of them.
You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That’s your common sense leaving your body.
Me: May I see your report card?
Grandson: I don’t have it.
Me: Why not?
Gs: I gave it to my friend. He wanted to scare his parents.
One beautiful tradition in my mother’s culture is that if someone is sick,
the neighbours won’t hesitate to bring over food and help with errands,
but I can’t help but wonder when they will start getting suspicious over the fact that we’ve had the flu for 7 months now…
Britney Spears’ Slave 4 U is trending on Christmas Eve just like it did that magical night in Bethlehem thousands of years ago. God bless everyone.
carolers: *knock on door*
(Simon Cowell answers the door)
carolers: *gulp*
If you ever catch me staring blankly during our conversation it’s because I can’t remember if it’s my turn to say words or yours.
I’m so sick of answering questions about the age difference between my kids, so I’ve started telling people the oldest one came with the house.
Pro Tip:
Never make snow angels in a dog park
the short answer to this question
My son turned 8 yesterday. I’m killin’ it at this parenting thing.
me: will i go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
I went on a date with a dolphin today, we just clicked.
Just met a baby named Herbert. Weird, right? Reached his little baby hand across the bus aisle and goes, “Hi, I’m a baby. A baby Herbert.”
Next time you want to hurt a horse’s feelings, tell him he’s hung like a human.
Its probably time to clean the microwave when you heat coffee and it comes out smelling like a burrito.
I’ve finally convinced my parents to let me get their fruit & vege & my dad has now sent me this floor plan of the shop. Clearly I’m 44 & a total moron 🙂
Overheard in Dublin pub bathroom last night:
Girl 1: “My Ma is going mad that I’m out on Christmas Eve. She said to me: ‘it’s the day baby Jesus was born, and you’re out drinking’”
Girl 2: “Jesus was born ages ago, relax!
I’m prepared for anything, as long as it isn’t hard or boring or scary
Hand feeding garbage to my roomba when its battery is low
Psych meds aren’t enough anymore. Hit me with a shovel.
Me, at 18: I CAN DO WHATEVER I WANNA DO
Me, at 40: I can do whatever 800mg of ibuprofen will allow me to do
What did Jay-Z call Beyoncé before they got married?
Feyoncé…
[playing guitar in hotel lounge]
Me: *puts out cigarette* Any more requests out there tonight?
Front desk: Yes. Would you please get out of the lobby?