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“Alexa, negotiate brexit.”
Me when I’m making a big pot of soup: haha fuck yeah!! Yes!!
Me when I have to clean the big pot I used to make the soup: well this f***ing sucks. What the f**k
*walks into gym, tags my location on Facebook, leaves*
Continental cheese: We used a process unchanged for 600 years and aged it in a cave for two years
British cheese: We briefly scared a cow
American cheese: We fed some descriptions of cheese into an AI engine
Therapist: where do you think your fear of chickens came from?
me: well, I am not certain but
*falls from grace*
PARKOUR!
“Everybody loves us weird girls, right up until we start doing weird girl shit,” I say to my cat, as we watch a documentary about serial killers in our matching onesies.
Wife: I read my mom that funny tweet you wrote.
Me: Don’t you mean THOSE funny TWEETS?
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: No. No, I don’t.
I put some fridge magnets on my fridge door and now it’s covered in fridges
“Can we use a library meeting room?”
“What for?”
“Just a meeting.”
“Not a party?”
“No. Why would you ask that?”
“Well, the sheet cake and sleeve of red plastic solo cups does raise some questions.”
Today my coworker asked if I wanted to hold her new baby and neither of us were prepared for me saying why?
I’m always there for my friends when I need them.
The worst thing you can put in your body is carbs. Or maybe a knife.
[1st date]
Her: I love quail
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Cher
M: Omg me too!
H: Love men
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Pepsi
M: WTF is wrong with you?
Me: We were supposed share that bag of chips.
Her: It was mostly air.
Me:
Her: I saved you that part.
I wish my ears would visibly lay back like a cats when I’m pissed off so people would know when to leave me the hell alone.
I love the word placebo, but it lacks something
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: attention passengers is anyone here a doctor
PASSENGERS: sorry no
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: um ok then is anyone here a pilot
Average person has sex 89 times a year.
These next two days are going to be wild
Flushing my dead goldfish down the toilet. I am kicking this addiction for good
Whenever you eat something that tastes awful you should always say “that’s disgusting” immediately followed by “here try it”.
The Rules
Today a coworker from another department was talking about her daughter, Haysleigh, and I guess I gave an eyebrow raise because she immediately said “like paisley but agricultural” then spelled it and I felt my soul leave my body
Not to brag but both my kids are from the same dad
Today was amazing. I actually had meaningful conversations with my teenagers. We discussed world events, we made eye contact, we truly communicated. I felt so blessed. Like a really good parent.
Then I heard one of them ask, “Is Instagram back up yet?”
Morpheus: Are you going to take the red pill or blue pill?
Me: Which one helps with reflux?
Follow me on Instagram if you want to see me post absolutely nothing for weeks
I don’t have 2.5lb weights at home so I have to use two bottles of wine for my physio exercises.
I used to think my mother in law liked me but then she bought our 11 year old a learn to play harmonica kit for his birthday
The last time I danced like nobody was watching, someone stabbed me with an EpiPen.
[first day as a spy]
Wife: what’s your bosses name?
Me: I can’t tell you that
Wife: why?
Me: because I don’t remember, Linda