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“Doc, my boyfriend & I don’t wanna get pregnant. He hates condoms & I think the jelly isn’t working.”
“What kind are you using?”
“Grape”
has anybody else completely lost it or is it
just me and kanye
you’ve been hit by
*bang-bang*
you’ve been struck by
your time management
William: where have you all been
Kate: omg William there’s a winter forest in the coat closet
The package says “Serves 4” but my dadbod says “challenge accepted”
Married With Children is a hilarious sitcom until you’re 35 and realise it’s a chilling documentary.
Got out of the car and dropped my keys in the gutter. They landed next to my mind, which I thought I’d lost.
Rival dad across the street has been getting on my nerves lately so today I’m leaving my garage doors open so his wife can see what a clean organized one looks like.
[English class]
Her: I’m never sure how to properly use a colon
Me [trying to impress her]: *poops*
[Hiking]
Me: Want some trail mix?
Her: This is just a sandwich bag full of rocks and twig-
Me: All from this trail!
bewitching sea ghost seeks unwary sailor for fulfillment of ancient curse, maybe more
I’m really glad my dog doesn’t tell anyone about the conversations we have together. Then people would really think I’m crazy.
Someone stole the C and L off my work besties door, which I guess was probably pretty predictable in hindsight…
The old saying about pissed off waiters applies to everyone really. I’m fairly certain the guy at Home Depot just spit on my mulch.
Me: I have this strange feeling that somebody in this house is possessed by an owl.
Wife: Who?
Me: 😮
Some people come into your life for a reason.
Like for target practice.
I marched in a high school band, caught an armed robber, and sold girl scout cookies. All I was trying to do was find my car.
People are so weird about ventriloquy my gyno hates it
A really good magician could be living in your house and you would never know.
She was Hannah Montana when Bush was president. Thanks, Obama.
My baby never smiles bigger than when she find my phone left unlocked.
Who has time to monitor followers/unfollowers?
I can barely keep track of my kids and I only have 1 of those.
Wait.
Two. I have 2 kids.
Wife: Who’s your favorite mom?
4-year-old: You!
Me: Who’s your favorite dad?
4: Mom.
So close.
[leaning against the wall like a cool guy in an 80s music video]
Me: *slow nods at pretty girl*
Pharmacist: Sir…your suppositories are ready
I want to cover you in expensive things like gasoline.
“Steak and Shake” great burgers and also a good way to kill baby vampires.
Dear Fox news,
I have yet to see any news about foxes.
Sincerely,
disappointed viewer.
Me: So then, He-Man & Skeletor come to terms with their feelings and make out.
Priest: Again, writing fan fiction isn’t necessarily a sin
The best time of day for a prostate examination is 6:30 because both hands are at the bottom.
Eggs come out of the carton left to right, buddy. Not all willy-nilly like some crazy person who hates America.