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Things Ted Cruz and I have in common:
1. Love butter
2. Shy eyes
3. Resurrected from the grave during satanic bloodmoon ritual
4. Brown hair
‘To do’ list:
1. grocery shopping
2. pay the rent
3. post grandma’s birthday card
4. try not to kill anyone with my death stare
5. laundry
[on Mars]
ASTRONAUT: An alien!
MISSION CONTROL: Ok, so
A: I choke slammed it
MC: What?
A: Another one!
MC: DO NOT CH
A: [choke slam noises]
Damn … History Channel 😀
#archaeohistories
When someone says we can do something “weather permitting” I remind them that weather’s not the boss of me. Snow or no snow, I’m not going.
My seven year old just told me the average person sleeps 70% of their lives and I am just so impressed he can make up statistics above his grade level
HOW TO DIAGNOSE ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION:
1) It’s not very hard
Mom: Want to come over for dinner?
Me: No thanks, already ate
Mom: What did you have?
Me: Peanut butter
Mom: With?
Me: Spoon
Kids: Yay! We have a 4 day weekend!
Me: *drinks wine straight from bottle*
“It’s all smoke and mirrors” he said, describing his various drug habits.
she loves me [takes bite of hotdog]
she loves me not [takes another bite of hotdog]
in case you thought I was an intellect know that I almost threw away a carrot because it touched the ground
I SAID YES!!!!!! 💍🥂🥳🎉 i asked myself if i wanted a breakfast burrito.
“Your package is running late and no one is more surprised and upset than we are.”
—Lies Amazon tells me.
Who wants to go pull on some push doors with me??
The people who got clotheslined by a landline phone cord
Asa Mitaka
@Kursed___
Who is your target audience when you tweet?
Of course I can cook, what kind of cereal would you like
Grandma lied about girls being all over me once I got older
Who needs whips and chains? Christian should have had Ana read Fifty Shades of Grey if he wanted to torture her.
It’s that time between Christmas and New Years when the fridge is still packed but with random Christmas items so get ready for a casserole of figs, garlic stuffed olives, pineapple jam, and King’s Hawaiian rolls.
DOCTOR: i have good news and bad news
SCHRÖDINGER: give me both at the same time
interviewer: can you type fast?
me: yes, that and SEVERAL other words
A new reality show “So You Think You Don’t Suck at Singing” where contestants vie for priority access to their local karaoke circuit
Sex so good you see dead people.
As a dad, you’re required to ask your neighbor “You gonna do mine next?” when you see them raking leaves.
I drank the blood of a vampire. Tasted irony.
*throws a rock at a bird*
Me [writing in “science” journal]: birds don’t like rocks.
“Honey, remember our first date?”
“Awh, are you planning something for Valentine’s?”
“No, I forgot my password. It’s the security question.”
*decides towels smell like mildew
*buys special laundry agent to remove odors
*washes load of towels
*forgets load in washer until morning
*repeat