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My kid wants me to tell China that they should have camouflaged the balloon by painting it blue with clouds and stuff, and since she’s not wrong I’m wondering, do I write a letter or is there a phone number I can call
Husband, opening our kitchen drawer while asking, “Do we know where the scissors have disappeared?” Looks around and promptly closes the drawer.
Me, opening the same kitchen drawer without looking in, hands him the scissors.
Dear Tech Support,
I twied to puth my tongue in tha USthB port again. Canth you helpf?
2night’s funniest bit: a fellow comic enters the room &, given a choice between talking w/ me & w/ a homeless man, chooses the homeless man.
Parents will complain about their kids wanting to read the same book every night and then go watch the office for the bajillionth time.
mozzarella stick implies the existence of a mozzarella tree
I grew up living paycheck to paycheck , but through hard work and perseverance i now live direct deposit to direct deposit.
Wife: Can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: Ok that’s low, Sharon
Today I gave my son some chips from England. He put one in his mouth, made a face, and asked what flavour it was. ‘Roast Beef’ I replied. He promptly spat it out and asked “why would they do that?” Buddy, we’ve been asking Britain that question for 500 years.
Soulmate sounds like something Satan puts in his coffee.
When people start a sentence with “believe it or not” I’m like wow, those are two very good options
Someone suggested a breakfast salad, and then I wondered why someone could be so mean.
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
Google search history:
•Gloves keep growing on tree?
•How do I get hand in tight gloves?
•Can gloves piss/bite?
•What is a squirrel?
#HighSchoolTaughtMe how to solve any math word problem
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ME: hmm…tastes like chicken
MORTICIAN: get out
*stays up all night watching true crime murder mysteries on tv*
*can’t come up with a good alibi why I’m late for work*
Todays yoga pose is Downward Spiral.
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
Spam popsicles.
*follow for more recipes
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Microwave sparked and is suddenly dead, now I really have no idea what time it is.
Cool Ranch Doritos are just like regular ranch Doritos except every chip wears a little pair of aviators.
Johnny Depp always looks like he is just as confused by his “accent”
Old timey ghosts are boring. I want to be haunted by a valley girl with giant hoop earrings.
May you have the confidence and independence of my 5yo, who sneezes and says, “Bless you, me!”
First day of gondolier training:
You mean I have to stand…STAND on the tip of this boat ALL day rowing with one oar?
Singing. You have to sing.
Sing?! How could this job be any worse?
Wait, let me get your costume.
In spite of what you might have heard, some pretty magical things happen behind dirty dumpsters in shady alleys.
I can either cut my toe nails, or majestically swoop down and grab a salmon from a river.
I want to be a large, Southern black woman who fans herself in church when I grow up.