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My therapist told me he doesn’t eat bacon or drink coffee, I told him he’s the one that needs a psychologist.
inflation so bad the sorting hat had to get another job
[cop who just pulled me over] i know you’re not really asleep
I shed so much hair, I couldn’t commit a perfect murder if I tried.
I, too, am shocked Ted Cruz has had sex. I just assumed his kids were born when he ate after midnight and got wet like in the movie Gremlins
I can’t come into work. I opened a cursed sarcophagus and now I gotta put a pharaoh’s soul to rest. I DUNNO, TAD, I’LL PROBABLY BE IN MONDAY
Me: *steps up to the plate, spits, adjusts cup, taps helmet*
Waiter: is there a problem
Our power went out and it’s utterly humiliating how many times I tried to turn on the light so that I could find the flashlights because the power was out
meditation teacher: to enter into deep meditation you must embrace a cloud of unknowing in which you forget everything that you have learned
me: way ahead of you
[first date]
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a scientist.
Her: Cool. What kind?
Him: Mad. *electrical storm begins outside*
Every night at I say baby do you want to snuggle and watch tiktok
He hands me the remote and goes to bed
And that’s how it’s done
OKAY BUT WHY DID I NOT KNOW THERE WERE MORE PICS OF BIG CAT WITH PICKLE
You’re telling me Adam DRIVER and Penelope CRUZ (cruise) are in a movie called Ferrari ???????????
friend: this has been the worst day of my life
me, an aspiring motivational life coach: worst day of your life SO FAR
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
Accidentally bought a left-handed bottle of shampoo and now I have to shower facing the other direction.
Tried to shop at the plagiarism store, unfortunately they only take credit.
The best part of marriage is when your spouse goes on a diet and you don’t have to share your snacks.
My Dad: So then you just like *smushing together a bird stuffed animal and a bee stuffed animal while making kissy noises*
Me: OK, got it. They’re all waiting, can I go get married now?
Told my 18yo we’re out of mac’n’cheese, so he’d have to do something else for lunch for once. He says, “I’ll just break into my personal stash.” Goes into his room, rummages around, comes out with two boxes of Annie’s mac’n’cheese.
?????
Some people are hope, some people are nope.
Choose wisely.
If you’re robbing my house, just bring a second guy to eat a pizza in front of my dog while you take whatever you want.
I had my year-end evaluation and it went like “You have great substantive legal skills, but you don’t come into the office enough and you don’t attend social events and you don’t regularly answer emails on weekends.” Yes, precisely.
Girl, is your name “Schedule” ?
Because I’m always running behind ya.
10 y/o Edison: How many scientists does it take to change a light bulb?
His Dad: What’s a light bulb?
His Mom: IDFK. U tell me, Einstein.
There’s a kid on my nephews soccer team that thinks he’s a dinosaur so he’s just out there screeching and biting other kids on the field
I love my nephew, but I’m only here to watch VelociRyan
Them: I’ll be right back
Me: That’s not necessary
My husband said we should have one date night each month. I said, “Great! I’ll take Johnny Depp. Who do you want?”
*7 yr old talks about red dwarfs and neutron stars for 40 minutes straight*
My mom: Wow, that’s amazing. So are you going to be an astronaut when you grow up?
7, incredulously: No, I’m going to be a ninja.