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My husband just said, “I have a game I think you’d be interested in that I bet you haven’t heard of…
It’s called Wordle”
inventor of the bow and arrow:
I will now demonstrate my exciting new technique for pointing at someone who is very very far away-OH NO
*Plot Twist*
Your dog loses his mind with excitement when you leave for work instead of when you get home.
DATE: I love heavy metal
ME: [trying to impress] My Dad was crushed by iridium
*looks up from pestle and mortar
“Powdering this baby is HARD!”
Me, sophisticated:
*tastes wine* Mmm, is this a red?
Water: can you do me a solid?
God: sure *turns it into ice*
My three biggest fears are mouses, wolfs & proper pluralization.
My smoke detector just started beeping due to low batteries which is weird because it’s not the middle of the night
my mom: we found this under your bed and we are very disappointed *pulls out copy of “drugs for dummies”*
my dad: lol nerd
me: I need to get this framed
optometrist: just say you need glasses
Half the time when you booked The Cure, you got Placebo instead..
“This is the ride that killed Jimmy.”
– me in line, loudly, at amusement parks
My co-workers found out when my birthday is so now I need to find a new job
Sandra the orangutang started washing her hands because she saw all the zookeepers doing it repeatedly during the COVID-19 crisis.
Wash your hands.
Be more like Sandra.🌎❤️🧼🌎
I will punch you in the face.
OK not really – but I will roll my eyes at you, hard.
Yes, I sure did let my 3yo eat a popsicle at 7:53am so that I could drink my coffee in peace. It’s called self-care.
If you gave a million monkeys a million keyboards & let them bang away at the keys all day…then you’d have Twitter.
1st wise man: I brought gold for the baby
2nd wise man: [hiding frankincense behind his back] actually that gold is from both of us
Child: Hey can I go outsi-
Me: YES PLEASE
*Hello this is your pilot speaking, we still have about 9 hours in the air so let me entertain you folks reading you some of my tweets*
5: I want to be like you, Daddy.
Me: Aww. Thanks, bud.
5: My back hurts. My neck hurts. My feet hurt.
Me:
5: My head hurts.
Me: I get it.
My dad is watching American Pie and the sex scenes are somehow more uncomfortable at 36 than they were as a teen
Help your friends diet by replacing the light in their fridge with an air horn.
Can’t figure out why my allergies are so bad. I changed my med regimen, listened to my doctor’s advice, took my extra meds, bathed, rubbed my face on each of my four cats…
quitting my job before Christmas and starting a new one on January 2 was a great decision because I have no emails to respond to
while pouring my morning coffee it just occurred to me that the name of rapper/singer Flo Rida is a play on Florida, the state where he’s from. I’m starting to understand why I never got a response to my Mensa application
this is uni
I have to consciously stop myself from ending all my work calls with “love you bye”
I noticed my mouse problem is back an I yelled at my cats for being lazy and not doing their job like I was in a Tom and Jerry cartoon