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My ex just asked if I want to go on holiday with him and my ex mother-in-law and now I don’t need Twitter because I will never stop laughing
Felt like I got slapped upside the head but there was nobody around, must have been my guardian angel.
there was another, tinier cement truck inside
If every time someone asks you to do something you quietly gasp and whisper, “Like the prophecy foretold.” People stop asking you to do things.
Tweet about drinking too much = 50 quick likes
Facebook about drinking too much = A phone call from my mom
Apparently, RSVPing to a wedding invitation with “maybe next time” is wrong.
I know that now…
“How can I waste ten seconds of someone’s time and make total strangers hate me?”
– Credit card chip inventor
– Me, writing tweets
[Our bedroom, morning]
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: *presses snooze*
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: OMG READ THE ROOM
On TV no men can tie a necktie but all women can and there’s no backstory to explain it
It’s time to clean the refrigerator when something closes the door from the inside…
Someone tweeted today that they were “29-ish” and I didn’t know you could “ish” 15 years.
No one would ever question Siri’s directions if she said them with more conviction. “Keep right, if you want to live.”
No email needs to tell me not to reply.
My Fitbit is just a wristband that says “keep walking”.
I know I’m destined to become a Disney princess when my cat brought me an amputated arm one summer morning after a dragon destroyed my town.
I found out blowing in the dogs face makes her stop barking. I tried the same thing on my wife to make her stop yelling and she bit me.
Burger King needs a new slogan. Something like “we clean our bathrooms now.”
Kids today will never know the pressure of sending an email to ten other people OR THEY WILL DIE.
Cop: Is there a reason why you’re going so fast?
My 8 year old from the back seat: She said the flux capacitor won’t work unless you go 88mph!
I rode in the back seat with my baby until she was big enough for a front-facing seat because she cried not being able to see me.
It made it hard to drive but the peace and quiet were worth it.
Only in America would people violently trample each other for discounts, exactly one day after being thankful for what they already have…
“Knock knock”
“Who’s there?”
“Pizza”
“My new boyfriend who?
“No. Pizza”
“My future husband who?”
“No.”
“Playing hard to get who?”
I just cleaned my floors. If you need me I’ll be crawling around, picking up every new crumb by hand and grumbling about how my family needs to eat outside for the next 2 days.
doctor: I may have to amputate your feet if we can’t stop the infection
me: are there any steps I can take
doctor: not after I’m done
I don’t understand wishing dead celebrities happy birthday. Shoutout to Mary Queen of Scots, who would be 577 today.
just got my engagement photos
I lost my voice so basically I’m every mans dream girl right now.
Wife: We are lost
Me: *driving a Nissan Pathfinder* LOL I think we’ll be fine