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turkey? Nope. I haven’t seen a turkey
My wife is playing hard to get.
Rid of.
Because I’m on a health journey, I’m no longer looking for a sugar daddy, I’m now looking for a protein papa. Don’t make this weirder than I already have.
without fail i always get felt up by the tsa which is fine because air travel is expensive and i want my money’s worth
[Catching wife in the bedroom with my best friend]
Wife: PUT ME DOWN YOU IDIOTS
My body is a wonderland, but like, the “Alice In” type. Everything is the wrong size. Tons of tea in there. Cats everywhere.
[dinner party]
GUEST: it has come to my attention that one of us is a secret time traveller.
ME: *tasting wine the waiter brought to the table* mmm, what year is this?
[everyone slowly turns their head]
“Sorry for the late response” is my email signature
My first wife and I split on good terms. I know this because, when I announce the split on FB, she was the first to click LIKE.
The best part about living during a global plague as climate collapse ravages a planet poised on the brink of world war is definitely getting up every day to make sure the spreadsheets are still spreadsheeting.
[courtroom]
Me: “I OBJECT YOUR HONOR”
Judge: on what grounds?
“LEGAL MUMBO JUMBO”
Prosecutor: he’s good
Judge: *slams gavel* case dismissed.
Hearing an adult say they “don’t understand why the government doesn’t just print more money so people have more” is why we can’t have nice things.
until I had kids I had no idea that it was possible for someone to drink water with such ferocity
Me: sometimes I worry that people think I’m texting during a meeting when I take notes on my phone
My dad: I think people know I’m taking notes because I have a notepad and a pen
My wife doesn’t have a Honey-Do list. She has a Cantaloupe list, which has all the girls I’m not allowed to run away with
Hello Butterball Hotline? My turkey meows when I try to stuff it in the oven. What? Are you sure? Huh. HONEY THAT’S A CAT. TAKE IT OUT.
Hear me out. Shorts, but like for your full leg so they don’t get too cold
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
Welcome to parenthood. You will be issued 5 overly noisy toys by people who you thought cared about you shortly.
Very Cool Person: It’s four-twenty, you know what that means?
Me: Hell yeah [starts shoving blackbirds into a pie]
According to science, the most stressful events for an adult are:
-Divorce
-Death of a close family member
-Personal injury or illnessAnd the most stressful events for a kid are:
-Bedtime
-Dad cut the sandwich into rectangles not triangles
-“He’s copying me”
[Ocean’s 14]
Danny Ocean: We’re going to steal the world’s largest ball of twine
HER: i like a guy who will hold a door for a lady
ME [trying to impress her]: *cuddles my jim morrison body pillow*
I’m ready for the kind of love that sweeps you off your feet ❤️🖕❤️
For Christmas this year, I’m putting a pair of socks and a jar of Vaseline in one of my Amazon Prime labeled boxes.
To watch the confused look on my teenage son will be priceless.
A: OMG what happened?
B: Worst dentist appointment I ever had
A: I mean are you okay?
B: oh sure, it’s not my blood
Bloke outside my window has had his car engine running for about 20 minutes now, while jazz plays loudly on the radio within. Just in case you were wondering what I’ll be citing as “mitigating circumstances”.
Where my American History knowledge comes from:
25% school
25% internet
50% Forrest Gump
My boss told me I look tired, so now I call her mom.