90s scientists: we cloned a sheep. we landed a robot on mars.
Scientists today: for the last time, the earth is round.
You Might Also Like
A snake is what happens when a string goes “what if I was alive and had a weird mad looking head”
People just talk about spiders but how many paper towels do you think you eat every year
genie: u can’t have unlimited wishes
me: i wish for unlimited genies
genie: son of a
[phone rings]
CREEPY VOICE: i know what you did last summer
ME: ?!?
CREEPY VOICE: same thing we all did, try to not get covid
Fred realized too late that he should have bought a fresh sheet for his toga, when he walked into the black light party.
My friends made fun of me for buying this flamethrower, but at least I don’t have to shovel snow this weekend.
UBER DRIVER: Where to
ME: One sec. Siri, where the best place to dispose of an uber driver’s body
SIRI: The bog
ME: nearest bog please
Sidled up to a busker who’d just murdered a Franz Ferdinand song yesterday and whispered “this is exactly how the First World War started”.
People who hum in public must be blissfully unaware of how close to death they are at all times
Me: I’ll get to sleep an extra hour on Sunday.
My bladder: Hahaha.
Day 302 of my husband and I both working from home:
Me: *tapes note to microwave reminding coworkers to PLEASE CLEAN UP SPILLS THIS MICROWAVE IS FOR THE WHOLE OFFICE
If you’re renting, and your landlord has a no pets policy, you can keep bats as long as you pretend to be mad about it.
One bowl of cereal: snack
Two bowls of cereal: meal
Three bowls of cereal: Stop flashing your obvious wealth, Tristan
I am a mother, of course I talk to myself. I am the only one in this house that listens.
society: let’s give mothers their very own day
me: what about sharks?
society: we’ll give them a whole week
When they said “it takes a village” I thought they were referring to raising a child not keeping up with laundry.
There’s no way witnessing the birth of your child is better than seeing your luggage come out first on the baggage carousel.
Detective: The robber broke into the Popeye’s but didn’t take any money, in fact no one has seen him leave.
Me *disguised as a cop*: Weird, right? We should put the fried chicken and red beans and rice in my Corolla for protective custody.
What if we made sidewalks into trampolines? Fun and springy to walk on, and if someone looks at you wrong you can always bounce them into tomorrow.
1000s flocked to NJ to see the Virgin Mary in a tree trunk. But, don’t judge them, friends. When was the last time you saw a virgin in NJ?
Flight attendants will honestly open a pack of m&ms and feed the entire plane with it.
Here’s your m
And an m for you
Evil Scientist: I will turn you three into…A Human Centipede!
Hostage 1: No!
Hostage 2: Please! No!
Me: So…who gets to be the front?
These dogs look like they have good credit.
[bedtime]
SON: I want a monster story.
ME: Sure. This one’s called “The evil co-worker that reheated fish in the microwave.”
If I was a man my favorite hole would still be the donut hole.
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around cake” trust me.
Priest: Do you take this woman to be your wife?
Me: “I do”
Priest: Ok can you say it again without using finger quotes while you do it
Congratulations, Americans who write “Cheers” at the end of e-mails. You’ve found something even more pretentious than “Sent from my iPhone”
WFH: Work From Home
my brain: WaFfle House