Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*annual sexual harassment seminar.
Boss: We need more seats.
Me: *taps lap* I’ve got a place for someone to sit.
Boss: *sighing* You’re the reason we have these meetings.

A comma is just a period with a mullet.

HB: *text* hey, what’s for dinner?

Me: Roast Chicken.

HB: cool, you need me to pick up anything on my way home?

Me: yes, a roast chicken.

Great acting.. 😂

Ya’ll ok with me grating a lil bit of my finger into this cheese for the casserole? Too late.

inventor of the hot dog: [watching a hot dog eating contest] oh no. no that’s way too many

My mind says “no” but my heart says “yes”, all my vital organs speak English, it’s very confusing and loud

The only thing we have to fear is fear itself

AND

When a women asks if you notice anything different

Who called it a licence to own small amphibians and not Permit the Frog.

“want to go grab some dinner?”

*lights cat on fire* sorry I can’t my cats on fire

I should probably try harder to find a mail-order-bride before the post office shuts down completely.

I’d say 20% of my day is spent trying to convince the dog we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, ice dispenser..

So is this super moon just, like, our mild-mannered regular moon that took off its glasses?

Saving the planet will require sacrifice and right now I’m thinking you.

Ah to be a little slug on a day like today. The rain is out. No cares in the world. Time for slime.

[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: Any initial concerns?
ME: Volcanoes
I: About the test?
M: No
I: Ok then let’s go
M: *drives into active volcano*

“In my years of practice I’ve done the same man’s divorce 3 times, twice from the same wife.”

New client, “So you’re saying there’s hope?”

we can cancel Times Square we’ve dropped the ball all year.

I’m jealous of Gen Z for missing the era of the “cute top.” I once asked a forum about club outfits ideas and everyone said “jeans and a cute top” and I said “what’s an example of a cute top” and they all just laughed and told me to Google it

When fighting with a clown, always go for the juggler.

If you need a laugh.. 😅

Taking 10 and 8 fishing this morning. How long will it take before someone has a hook in them and crying has started? Cause I’m saying 3 mins.

Sure I have depression, but I live in Florida so at least it’s a tropical depression

Previously On Persistence 😎

If I was told to pick one word to describe myself, I’d go with ” doesn’t pay attention to instructions.”

no bro, *you* live in a society. I live with my parents

If at first you don’t succeed then try, try again.

Unless you’re skydiving then good luck with that.

A Story in Three Acts

I. My car smells weird, and I can’t figure out why.

II. I can’t find the nectarines and mango I bought last week.

***INTERMISSION: Golly gee willickers, I sure am loving these 114-degree heat index days. ***

III. Noooooooooooooooo

Installed a new high-tech toilet. It’s now holding my bathroom hostage and demanding a Wi-Fi password.

This morning I noticed my neighbor was talking to her cat. It was obvious the poor woman thought her cat understood her.

When I got home I told my dog about it. We laughed so much!