90’s style insults need to come back.
Been itching to tell someone they need to go to the clue store to get one.
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Brooks Brothers just filed for bankruptcy, so now I might never be able to use this $50 gift card on one sock.
I once worked with a girl named Brittanica…she was a bit aloof though I didn’t really know how to read her
my cats when I don’t feed them in a timely fashion
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It’s funny how we all sleep differently. I sleep on my side My roommate sleeps on his back. My ex sleeps with everybody. That sort of thing
Why are coroners in movies always eating sandwiches? Anyway… Good Morning.
Every 2020 wine has to be bad. You can’t open a cabernet in 2026 like “oh, 2020. That was a good year.”
“Siri, why do I make so many typos?”
SIRI: I found this for ‘how to make Somali tadpoles’
My kid glued a jenga block to the wall like some kind of hunting trophy, and now I’m going to have to tell people it’s modern art because I can’t get it to come off
I should be paying way less taxes if I’m supposed to “save democracy” this often
Pretty sure they warned us about this on the Book of Revelations.
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Started making anti-inspirational greeting cards.
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Video games don’t encourage violence nearly as much as piñatas do
I just saw a woman push 5 little kids in a shopping cart out of Walmart. I didn’t realize that you could get them in bulk now.
Don’t let anyone treat you like yesterdays reheated spaghetti.
Vader: Remove my helmet so I can see you with my own eyes.
Luke: OK.
Vader: On second thought, don’t. I have 30 years worth of hat hair.
My doctor told me that despite my efforts, I’ll probably live a long life. I’m taking the news pretty hard
I love my son’s teacher, but I’m low key triggered by all these messages about what he can be learning during this. Look lady, he’s currently got his little brother in a choke hold, he doesn’t want to read a book right now
[When my kids have ignored my text for 2 hours]
Me: I would appreciate a reply, please.
[When I have ignored my kids’ texts for more than 5 seconds]
Kids:
hello??
??
??
???
pls
plss
wya
??
???
BRO
Respond to every “How was your weekend?” today by staring off into the distance & whispering “So much blood…”
Yes, I’ll fight for the last samble of cheese. We all fought for our ”right to party”, remember? The bar is low
having twitter is just like reading the newspaper except the newspaper is on fire and all the writers hate you
Me looking for my phone using my phone flashlight: where the heck is it?!
Cricket: what am I?
God: a bug
Cricket: *flutters wings* do I fly?
God: you sorta jump big
Cricket: *sees bird* is that a bug?
God: nah buddy that’s a bird
Bird: *chirps*
Cricket: *chirps*
God: no stop that
My half brother moved out from living with his parents, and after a couple days, phones my dad and says, “I wasn’t sure if it was too soon to call.”
My dad, “Son, you moved out. We didn’t break up.”
How to lose 12 lbs in 7 agonizing seconds:
Step 1: Make sure the wood chipper is all gassed up.
Finding a synonym for ‘uneasy’? That won’t be difficult
Whenever I see a newspaper on a driveway, left out in the rain, I figure that house just forgot how to read.
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
” Why of course I would like to stop in the middle of this huge task I’m doing to look at pictures of everyone in your huge family opening christmas presents colleague that I barely know”
You got your ducks in a row. I got my monkeys in a wheelbarrow. We are not the same.