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when I was like 16 I tried to prank my mom on april fools by telling her I was pregnant and she said you have to have sex to get pregnant emma
Hate it when I bring someone back to my place for the first time and all they want to talk about are the corpses.
The name’s Bondjamesbond. James Bondjamesbond.
I don’t go to parties that are “8 ’til late” because I think those two things are the same.
Me: God, I’ve been super stressed lately
My skin: would a bunch of pimples help?
Hi Barbara? Yeah I just saw the posters you put up and no, I have not seen your cat but I’d love to. Is now a good time to come take a look?
I’m not mad, I’m just frustrated.
-people that are about to start ugly crying
[date]
Me, struggling to pronounce things on the menu: I’ll just have the chicken nouj-
Date: nuggets
Our dishwasher works exceedingly well, as long as you only put clean dishes in it.
I’d rather be liked than loved. When you disappoint a girl who likes you, she’s less likely to make a pact with Lucifer to destroy your life
doctors: we recommend 7-9 hours of sleep every day
also doctors: time to work my third 24-hour shift this week
Hubs and I didn’t touch our phones at all during dinner.
Mainly bc eating crab legs takes two hands, but still, it felt romantic-ish.
[talks about how badass wolves are for 20 mins]
date: can we talk about something else?
[pulls out powerpoint on why wolves are badass] No
I want hashbrown pills.
~the guy who invented Tater tots
This is actually what my executive dysfunction looks like
GENIE: You have three wishes.
ME: I wish I had a million dollars.
GENIE: Granted. You had a million dollars.
Me: what’s wrong?
Wife: you’re not supposed to say you have a favorite child
Me: everyone does secretly
Wife: well it should at least be one of ours
I enjoy a good breeze. It’s worth the risk that a bug may be blown into your eye.
I just had my first pole dancing class. Anyone know how to show this new skill without coming across as a complete whore? No?
Whore it is.
23. RT @Highlights: Parents, at what age do you think it’s okay for a child to get his or her own cell phone?
A no carb diet can make you detached, remote and standoffish so occasionally you should eat aloof of bread.
“Amanda Seyfried (left)”
12yo wants to stay home from school because her foot hurts, like that’s a legit excuse that I didn’t use on my own parents to try to get out of school.
Dating app for hypochondriacs called Twinge.
ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?
Egregious Outerwear Lies
Trench coat: would get RUINED in a trench
Pea coat: not made of peas
Leather bomber: zero incendiaries
Swing coat: doesn’t dance at all
Parka: can’t even drive
Filling a thermos:
weird that the doc wanted a stew sample
Say what you will, but at least both of my AirPods still work.
Probably.
If I can just remember where the hell…
“Be the change you want to see in the world. ”
Me: Cool, can I be a 10 and two 5’s?
Me want titty. Me don’t want to touch, me want to suck. You have titty? TWO TITTIES? OM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM.