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What’s fun about having kids is being on a Zoom work meeting from home, and your child crawls under your desk, touches your leg, and announces that you need to shave for all to hear
Sloth is a deadly sin and an animal.
How come we don’t have animals named after the other deadly sins?
If my 56 y/o brain was in my 16 y/o body, my first order of business would be empowering myself. Then … fake ID.
No Kevin, a carburetor is not someone who ate a lot of carbs.
God: you’re really fast.
Deer: ok.
God: so whenever you sense danger I want you to-
Deer: run away right?
God: no, just [freezes in place].
Deer: got it wait-what?
God: you know just [freezes in place again].
Toddler mom: please take a second bite of chicken
Tween mom: please do not eat an entire second chicken
[slowly removing special glasses]
Me (looking left): Bob, that eclipse was amazing
Bob (taps my right shoulder): Hey, I’m over here
This morning around 3am:
“Wooo wooooooo woooooooooooooo”
“Woodtdtdtd Wdtdtdtdtdtdtdt Wdtdtdtdtdtdtdtd”
WTF??!?The Border Collies figured out that the fan makes their voices sound funny if they Wooo directly through the middle, so guess what they’ve all been doing since 3am.
Oh baby let me lick your [Googs term for spiral pasta real quick]
He said he wants to be my Sugar Daddy, and I thought awesome, I love cookies.
Do you enjoy addiction, anxiety, and urinating? Then coffee may be the beverage for you.
A remake of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, but it’s targeted towards adults and takes place in a cheese factory
Me buying fruit and veg
me: I’m quitting, here’s my badge and gun
zookeeper: your what
Motives for murder:
1. Jealousy
2. Sex
3. Greed
4. Snoring
Confuse them by retweeting their worst tweet.
People who say that they don’t have time for my bullshit should wake up an hour earlier
pretty cool how no matter what’s going on in the world, a teenager in a Metallica shirt will always look the same no matter what year it is.
“Oh my god I can’t believe someone would pronounce my name exactly how it’s spelled!!!”
– people with stupid names
Me: Don’t wipe dead bugs on your sister.
12yo: Why?
Some things shouldn’t have to be explained, yet here we are.
GERGE: hey can u spot me for lunch? Im a little short on cash
JERY: crypto?
GERGE: crypto
JERY: what happened i thought u bought the dip!
GERG: I did! but then it dipped again
JERY: it double dipped?
GERGE: I DOUBLE DIPPED THE CRYPT
Him: I hope I die first.
Her: Aww you can’t live without me?
Him: I don’t wanna deal with the paperwork.
First day of school
Kid 1: I want my mumma *waaah waaah*Kid 2: I wanaa go home *waaaah waaah*
My kid: Teacher do you poop?
My four year old has informed me that he doesn’t want us to get a lion. Not because they’re deadly predators, but because he’s allergic to cats and thinks a lion would make him sneeze too much. I’m just glad we discussed it before I went shopping.
But what is Congress going to do about the fact that I made too much pasta last night 😡
#1: Too many people still answer the phone like they don’t know who’s calling.
Nobody tell my Fitbit that today’s steps are coming from inside the casino.
*shows up at your work*
“Hi, it’s me. From the internet.”
Brought twins to a corn maze & put them at 2 different points so people thought they kept passing the same row. The tricycles really sold it