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before 2018 ends, I’d like to apologize to the guy who parked too close to me at the Family Dollar. Sorry for leaving that note on your car, I did not mean those things I wrote about your mother
me: a beloved member of my family died
college professor: show me the body or take the quiz
#IHaveJustEnoughMoneyTo pay my phone bill so I can call my credit card company to tell them I don’t have money to pay them.
what do you want to eat?
what are you in the mood for?
Look, ice cream has eggs in it, therefore it is a breakfast food.
ME: [putting a condom on]
HER: it doesn’t go on me
We were watching a reality show with really annoying people and I said they made me wanna puke and my husband said he wanted to torch the TV and my 13yo was like “just let them be happy” and I don’t know how we raised a child who doesn’t know how to hate watch something properly.
Getting out of bed the other night to go pee and the monster grabbed my leg, he said I can’t live like this anymore tell your wife to get rid of all these damn boxes under here.
8 yo: “Mommy, what did you want to be when you grew up?”
Me: “Not this tired.”
I would do anything for love. But I won’t do that. Or that. That’s not looking good either.
[How the rap feud started]
Me: can u invite all the rappers to my b’day party?
2pac: sure, no biggie
Biggie[eavesdropping]: [wipes tears]
If you drink enough tequila you’re just an open bar for vampires
I’ve seen enough episodes of Dateline to know never to stand near a cliff while letting Hubs take my picture.
Imagine how much more useful Superman would’ve been if he’d helped people move their heavy furniture instead.
Alexa, trade my personal privacy for a cooking timer please.
Friend of mine confused IUD with IED and I couldn’t stop laughing
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
Server: Have you dined before?
Me: Have I d- like in general?
Server:
Me: Yeah. Yes.
God grant me the dgaf to lol at the things I can’t even, the swag to yolo the things I can, and the lifehacks to know the difference
One of the few joys in my life is when my kids step on their own Lego.
A sweater so itchy it feels like it was made from scratch.
me: *whispering angrily against his lips* no it’s not ok
waiter: *whispers back* but have you ever actually tried Pepsi
My son hates how I fuss about his birthday at his workplace.
So this year the Mariachi band will not be wearing hats.
bruh why was i singing a song in the uber and the driver was like “nah u havin too much fun” and changed the song ????😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
My son has to write 5 sentences tonight.
Our family thanks you for your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
We’re just started on a 6 hour drive and the boys simultaneously jinxed each other. They won’t talk until I say their names and they’re silently mouthing things at each other.
I just won the traveling with kids lottery.
Are you supposed to wear your Fitbit in the shower? I’m looking to break this thing as quickly as possible and need advice.
I got patted down by airport security.
Apparently, I am not supposed to reciprocate.
Hear me out:
Brunch where pajama attire is required.
When you get angry at someone count out loud to ten.
When you get to eight, throw a punch. Nobody expects that shit.